My jokes

My Smoothie Ingredients: - Bananas - Strawberry - The Blood of my ex - Peanut Butter

When I saw a dead body on the ground and my editor was filming, I told him to censor that a-hole. When I saw the completed product, he censored me. Then I killed him.

My friend had this annoying little kid that always used to yell and scream when he didn't get what he wanted. I told my friend there's a new attraction a few states away he could take him to.

Confused, my friend asked me what it was. I told him, "The Sandy Hook Experience: Where you come in and leave with a 'hole' lot of fun."

I like my girlfriends like my children: dead.

So I was in the car with my mom one time and we always joke about me being adopted (I am not), and Michael Jackson's song "Billie Jean" sounds like my name, and so my mom says, as the song is playing, "(My name) is not my daughter, she's just a girl who claims that I am her mum." Wow. *applauds for mother* Love you momma =)

My ex misses me, good thing she'll never hit me.

I am counting my fingers and get nine. Why?

Me, holding a baby: "Oh my God, it's so cute!"

Also me: "Throw it."

My sister said, "Daddy can you pass the salt?" So I raped her.

The other day my computer crashed. Luckily, there were no injuries.

I was at my boyfriend's house, and I thought he was cheating on me. He was on the phone with somebody, and he said he'd be over there soon. So I asked him if I could see his phone. He said no, and then we fought about it until I saw his gun, and because I thought he was lying to me, I shot him, went through his phone, and his friend was still on the phone.

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.

He yelled, "Doctor! Doctor! I can't feel my legs!"

The Doctor replies, "I know, I amputated your arms."

My father said I'm too reliant on technology.

I called him a hypocrite, and unplugged his life support.

I congratulated my friend on losing all that baby weight. She started crying and told me I should make them for miscarriage like that......

There was a little boy named Chris who was addicted to Roblox.

One day, his grandpa fell into a deep coma caused by a head injury.

One day, little Chris went to visit his poor grandpa. He brought his Windows 10 too, but it had no charge in it. After pulling out some wires and placing his into the wall, he started to hear a long beeping sound, but ignored it and continued to play Roblox. Chris's parents came and saw what had happened.

The dad then yelled, "You dumb f***, you killed my father!!!"

Then Chris said "Yeah. He was worth robucks, too."

Guy 1: Why is my cat so angry?

Guy 2: Because she wants to eat your big sausage.

Guy 1: Don't you?

Guy 2: Yeah, it seems delicious.

Guy 1: Mmm, so... w-wait what are you doing? I didn't think you meant the one in my lunch :< Where are you leaving #_#

**Meow...**

Guy 1: Shut up, I will never feed you this sausage. It's not for you :< -_- </3

My syndrome is down, but my hopes are up.

My new leaf blower doesn't work. It sucks.

Me and my grandpa went on a road trip, and he died. That was the last thing we did together, and I will never forget his last words: “WAKE UP YOU DUMBASS!”

I hate it when I accidentally eat out my dog, lol.