I named my dog 5-Miles, so now I tell people, "I walk 5-Miles every day."
My Jokes
Hippity Hoppity, women are my property.
Bippity Boppity, get the f*ck off my property!
My friends and I were talking about this really ugly girl at our school. For some reason, she had the same name as me.
I have breakfast with my boys.
I wear a nose on my forehead.
Just walked in on my parents doing it! Worst 30 minutes of my life.
My pen is so strong, ladies, come and get it!
I did phone sex, but I'll never do it again because last time my penis got stuck in the charging cord.
Today; worst day ever.
My annoying sibling got hit by a train, and I lost my job as a conductor.
I named my horse Mayo.
Mayo neighs.
What’s the difference between a 5.7l v8 and a dead baby?
If you lift the hood on my car, you won’t find a 5.7l v8.
My puns are awesome, pure gold.
My cousin died last week. He needed a blood transfusion, but we didn't know his blood type. He just kept saying, "B positive, B positive," but it's hard to be positive with him gone.
My friend tried to sleep on napkins.
I guess that's why they're called NAP-kins.
My sister's boyfriend is mad at me because I fucked his girl.
Two men are in a rainforest, and one of them is peeing. Suddenly, a snake jumps out of some bushes and bites the man’s penis. The other man says, “Oh my God, I will go to a doctor immediately!” He didn’t have enough time to load the man into the car, so he went straight to the hospital. The man told the doctor what happened, and the doctor said, “You will have to make an incision at the wound and suck the poison out.” The man went back to the other man and said, “There is no hope, you will die.”
When I was younger, I thought that it was cool to use knives because kids used to ask me to use them.
By the way, have you seen my sister?
I’m here to collect my bounty, what’s your bounty? Your pants.
My neck, my back, my crippling anxiety attacks.
Why did Stephen Hawking die?
Because I unplugged his life support to charge my phone.
