My Jokes

My junk was in the book of world records until I got kicked out of the library.

Roses are red, My friend is choking. That stupid bitch shouldn't have eaten my muffin.

I can't believe my friends. They killed themselves without me!

What is blue and wiggling on my floor?

A baby in a bag.

Kid: Dad, I want Santa to give me an iPhone.

Indian poor dad: Son, Santa is deaf.

Kid: No, he is not. I saw him on TV yesterday.

Indian poor dad: Oh, actually, I asked him for a new wife. Maybe he is wearing AirPods.

Kid: You are my Santa, daddy.

Indian poor dad: Pull down your pants, son.

Kid: It's not an Apple product.

Indian poor dad: It's a banana.

My mom said, "You are in big trouble!"

I said, "Are you going to punish me?"

My dignity to live.

My teacher asked what was the worst time you got paddled by your parents. My one friend said that he got in trouble and got whacked by a stick. I raised my hand and said that my dad whacked me with his dick.

You're the sriracha to my hoisin sauce.

And together, we are pho-ever.

Q: What did one atom say to the other?

A: I have my ion you.

Friend: My bike doesn't have a kick stand, so it can't stand up.

Me: Nah, it's just two tired.

I will always remember my grandfather's last words: "I'll just check if it's poisonous."

Who deleted my stuff??? Woooow, you racist just because I'm Hispanic?

Suck my dick!

(Ron Jeremy)

My mom is a chemistry teacher.

Mom: You can’t be attracted to something without it being attracted to you back.

Me: Tell that to my FUCKING CRUSH, BITCH!

One day there were these 3 cowboys sitting next to a fire and they were telling each other about their adventures. Well, the first cowboy said, "I tangled with a bull that killed 6 people, so I wrestled that son of a bitch to the ground with my bare hands."

The second cowboy said, "That's nothing. Yesterday I was walking on a trail and came across a rattler, so I picked it up, bit its head off, and drank all his venom in one gulp."

The third cowboy remained quiet, stirring the embers of the fire with his penis.

I was gonna tell you a joke about my abusive dad...

But I only remember the punch line👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊

Someone at school judged my grammar.

I judged theirs by the terms "school" and "rifle range" being mixed up the next day.

My puns drive people nuts; this is usually when I bolt away.

My brackets are so high on my teeth, they must be smoking something.