My jokes
Who likes penis?
My cousin!
I was out ice fishing and had no nibbles all morning.
About noon, this old guy comes out, drills a hole near mine, and starts catching fish as fast as he can bait the hook. I was getting frustrated without any luck, so I went over to ask him his secret. He said "Ymd ggt tm kppp tth yaems womg."
I said, "Excuse me, I didn't get that?" so he mumbles even louder, "Ymd ggt tm kppp tth yaems womg!" I shook my head and said, "I'm sorry, but I still didn't understand what you said."
Frustrated, the man spits out a wad out of his mouth and says, "YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE WORMS WARM!"
I was just informed that my ex was stabbed yesterday. Let's just say I quit my job as a butcher.
Ever wonder why pandas are endangered? Well, China's overcrowded, and therefore they're starving. They have to eat...
Panda: "My god. They're coming! Run! They're hungry! Run! Roll down the hill!"
Chinese People At Bottom Of Mountain With Spears: "Ching chong wing bong KABOB!!!"
I just found out my ex got stabbed today... let's just say I lost my job as a butcher.
I've never seen my dad since September 11. I wonder where he is...
1. My phone battery lasts longer than your relationships.
2. Oh, you’re talking to me? I thought you only talked behind my back.
3. My name must taste good because it’s always in your mouth.
My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records.
He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me.
A stone’s throw away, in fact.
My friend David lost his ID.
Now he is just Dav.
What do windows have in common with my wife's legs? They're easy to open.
My syndrome may be down, but my hopes are up.
These two cannibals are sitting by the campfire having dinner. One says, "I can't stand my mother-in-law." The other says, "So, just eat the potatoes."
I told my friend that someone accused him of blowing dead bears. I said I defended him by responding that I saw 1 get up and walk away.
My mom told me she couldn't open the garage door. Then it opened up to me that it wasn't broke anymore.
My friend thinks he is funny.
He told me that the only food that makes you cry is an onion, so I threw a coconut at him.
A joke: my life, hahahahaha! Wait, it's not funny.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Big tits.
My first high-school football game was a lot like my first time having sex...
I was bloody and sore at the end, but at least my dad came.
Once my dad left to get milk, then I realized we own a cow.
Q: How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Not three. My damn basement is still dark...