My jokes
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age, but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Me and my receding hairline? Believe me, we go way back.
My wife wanted to make a joke about domestic abuse, but I beat her to it.
I wanted to be an astronaut, but my parents always told me when I was little that the sky was the limit.
"Dumbest7" is my Xbox account. Hit me up.
Why did Susie get cut from the soccer team? She has no legs!
Who broke into my house by kicking down my door? Not Susie... But she still is in my basement, since she can't run!
My dog got mad at me for touching his toy. He said, "Get your paws off my toy!"
I told my friend yesterday he's literally my dad.
He didn't show up for the rest of the year.
Yo, Rob, you forgot to pay me cause you sucky sucky my thang.
AKA, you're up for adoption.
Rob, you forgot to pay me for letting you sucky sucky on my thang.
AKA you're for sale.
Evan, yo mum rode on my big PP love, dad.
A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant. After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing nappies/diapers.”
She replies: “Oh my god am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”
To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”
Q: I wish my grass was emo.
A: Then it would cut itself.
It squirted in my eye, God dammit!
Say, "Crack my fingers."
Now say that backwards...
"Hi, my name is Robert. I have no life. Even my PS4 username is gay lil_bama."
Boy: Why is my sister named Rose?
Dad: Someone threw a rose out of a car and it hit her in the head.
Boy: Okay, Dad.
Dad: No problem, Brick.
My Smoothie Ingredients: - Bananas - Strawberry - The Blood of my ex - Peanut Butter
When I saw a dead body on the ground and my editor was filming, I told him to censor that a-hole. When I saw the completed product, he censored me. Then I killed him.
My friend had this annoying little kid that always used to yell and scream when he didn't get what he wanted. I told my friend there's a new attraction a few states away he could take him to.
Confused, my friend asked me what it was. I told him, "The Sandy Hook Experience: Where you come in and leave with a 'hole' lot of fun."