My jokes

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

My life.

My life who?

My life is depressing...

My girlfriend said, "GIMME EIGHT INCHES AND MAKE IT HURT!"

So I pumped my dick in her 4 times and hit her in the head with a brick.

I like my bread how I like my wife: cold and stiff.

Me: I kiss my mom on the lips.

Friend: Uh, I guess that's somewhat nor-

Me: Lower lips.

Friend: I gotta go.

My cock, lmao.

My son asked me to stop singing Oasis songs in public. I said maybe.

The weirdest thing happened yesterday. My dad came back from work... He’s a suicide bomber.

Last night I slipped on a banana.

My friend said it was a-peeling!

My blind son got hit by a car when he was riding his new bike. He should have been paying attention.

I told my dad to get me a packet of cigarettes, he never came back.

AND I still didn't get my FUCKING CIGARETTES!

My old platoon sergeant always told me the hardest thing when walking through a field of dead babies was... his cock.

My brother couldn’t wait for fall, so I tripped him.

Business Interview With Depression Inside my brain...

Me: So... You're new? Depression: (I don't know who he is yet) mHMMMmmm! Me: Well what are your skills? Depression: Oh, taking control and leading... You know... Me: What are you trying out for? Depression: Oh, Vice Leader of Negative Thoughts. Me: Well we do need someone over there- for somewhat reason nobody wanted that job... Me: How did you know about us? Depression: Oh- I knew because of Anxiety, you know, we're friends! Me: Interesting... (Still has no idea about Anxiety and it's problemos) Me: Well I think you're signed up! I'll give you the job! Depression: tHaNKS :)

AND THATS HOW MY LIFE GOT DESTROYED :]

My junk was in the book of world records until I got kicked out of the library.

Roses are red, My friend is choking. That stupid bitch shouldn't have eaten my muffin.

I can't believe my friends. They killed themselves without me!

What is blue and wiggling on my floor?

A baby in a bag.

Kid: Dad, I want Santa to give me an iPhone.

Indian poor dad: Son, Santa is deaf.

Kid: No, he is not. I saw him on TV yesterday.

Indian poor dad: Oh, actually, I asked him for a new wife. Maybe he is wearing AirPods.

Kid: You are my Santa, daddy.

Indian poor dad: Pull down your pants, son.

Kid: It's not an Apple product.

Indian poor dad: It's a banana.

My mom said, "You are in big trouble!"

I said, "Are you going to punish me?"

My dignity to live.