My jokes

I have a penis.

How's that for a fucking joke? It's not a joke. It's terrible.

500 thumbs down and I'll lop off my dick with a razor.

My son is so ungrateful. I bought him a trampoline and he just sat in his wheelchair and cried.

A thief walks up to a man in a suit and pulls out a gun. The thief says: "Give me your money." The man in the suit turns around surprised. He raises his hands and says: "But, wait! You can't do that, I am a Congressman!" The thief replies: "Oh, sorry. Give me MY money."

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    • Today, my mom gave me a lecture on how to stay safe during school shootings. When my brother walked past, my mom asked me a question: "What do you think of going through kids' heads during a school shooting?" That's when my brother came back downstairs and said to me and my mom, "Bullets." We don't talk about this anymore.

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    • I broke the sink yesterday; the handle just blew right off! My dad was so mad, he blew his stack!

    Three guys walk into a room where a man is sitting with an assortment of foods on his plate because it's lunchtime. The guys ask the man to do a favor, and he says, "Sorry guys, I have a lot on my plate!"

    So Timmy was walking down the street with his friend Lea. Suddenly a car drives by and Timmy waves at the car.

    Lea looks at him, puzzled, then later asks him; "Why'd you wave at that car back there?"

    Timmy replies "Oh that was my brother, he went to the bar. He must just be driving home..."

    I was in my guitar class and my strings were dead, and then I realized they were more dead than George Bush on November 30, 2018.

    So, about a year ago I was riding a horse, and out of nowhere the horse tried to flip me off it and I fell off. I would have been OK, but my foot got stuck in the stirrup. The horse dragged me along and didn't stop.

    I would have died if it weren't for the Walmart manager who came out and unplugged the horse.

    I named my dog 5-Miles, so now I tell people, "I walk 5-Miles every day."

    Hippity Hoppity, women are my property.

    Bippity Boppity, get the f*ck off my property!

    My friends and I were talking about this really ugly girl at our school. For some reason, she had the same name as me.

    Just walked in on my parents doing it! Worst 30 minutes of my life.