My jokes
1: My grandpa died last year.
2: What kind of cancer?
1: He was hit by a bus! It's called bus cancer.
What did grandpa say before he died in the hospital bed?
"Boy, could you put my phone on charging?"
My family is like a cactus; a bunch of pricks.
I asked the doctor doing my prostate exam where I should put my pants. "Next to mine" was not the answer I was expecting.
It was mealtime on a small airline and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner.
"What are my choices?" he asked.
"Yes or No," she replied.
It was dinner in the plane, and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner.
"What are my choices?" the passenger said.
"Yes or no," the flight attendant replied.
Everything disappears in the Bermuda Triangle.
Except my depression.
My friend: What are you doing?
Me: I'm making holy water.
My friend: How?
Me: I'm boiling the hell out of it.
So, my friend's birthday is in a couple of days, and I was wondering what to get him.
He hangs out at my house a lot, so I suggested adoption papers.
My wiener's small.
Someone threw a cup at my eye. I told 911 that I was mugged.
I told my mum the refrigerator was running, so she got dressed and ran after it...
Girl 1: Dad, why is my name Rose?
Dad: Because a rose landed on your head.
Girl 2: Hey, Dad, why is my name Daisy?
Dad: Because a daisy landed on your head.
Boy: Hitddvjkyrefbhhhrurrrr!
Dad: Oh, hey Brick!
You heard a conversation between Sans and Papyrus:
Sans: "Sub bro."
Papyrus: "DON'T 'SUB' ME BROTHER! YOU STILL DIDN'T REDINTEGRATE YOUR PUZZLES!"
Sans: "Easy bro, I have done a ton of work today."
Sans: "A skele-ton."
(Drum effect)
Papyrus: "OH MY GOD SANS!"
My ex-wife still misses me...
BUT HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER!
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
"Where's my tractor!"
My dad and I went to the hospital once, and he said he'd be fine and it'd only take a few minutes.
Lying bastard never came out.
My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange?" I said: "No it doesn't."
My dog got stuck in my ass, help!
You know why I have so low IQ? It's because the left side of my brain gets nothing right, and the right side of my brain has nothing left.