My Jokes

Police

Police: Where do you live?

Me: With my parents.

Police: Where do your parents live?

Me: With me.

Police: Where do you all live?

Me: Together.

Police: Where is your house?

Me: Next to my neighbor.

Police: Where is your neighbor’s house?

Me: If I tell you, you won’t believe me.

Police: Tell me.

Me: Next to my house.

Superman

Superman was bored and wanted to go out. He called all his super friends, but they were all busy. He even calls Louis, but it's her time of the month.

He flies to the liquor store and buys some beer and gets drunk. As he is flying, he sees Wonder Woman naked on top of the roof. He starts thinking, "I will fly down and have sex with her sooooo fast," BURP, "that she won't know what happened," HICKUP.

He flies to her faster than the speed of light, BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG, and flies away with a smile. He passes out and crashed into a wall.

Wonder Woman jumps up and screams, "WHAT WAS THAT?"

The Invisible Man appears, holding his butt, and he gets off on Wonder Woman and says, "I don't know, but my butt hurts real bad."

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  • Hooker

    I was sitting with my little brother when he was about four-ish. He was starting to really like to identify objects for some reason, so he was showing me his toys. He grabbed his toy Mator truck and then pointed to the wheels, saying, “These are wheels.” I said, “Good job, yes they are.” Then he pointed to the bumper and said, “This is a bumper.” Again, I congratulated him. Then, he grabbed the toy’s wire with the hook at the end and said, “And this is a hooker.” I died laughing.

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  • Kid

    I will call my kid Monday, because whenever I see him, I feel disappointment.

    Epilepsy

    My family loves to have dance parties. My dad will just play music from his iPod, and I'll go to the light switch and make a nice strobe light effect. Everyone loves it, especially my younger cousin. He gets down on the floor and starts breakdancing! It makes him so happy, and he needs that extra joy in his life, especially since the doctor recently diagnosed him with epilepsy.

    Cancer

    1: My grandpa died last year.

    2: What kind of cancer?

    1: He was hit by a bus! It's called bus cancer.

    Grandpa

    What did grandpa say before he died in the hospital bed?

    "Boy, could you put my phone on charging?"

    Prostate exam

    I asked the doctor doing my prostate exam where I should put my pants. "Next to mine" was not the answer I was expecting.

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  • Airline

    It was mealtime on a small airline and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner.

    "What are my choices?" he asked.

    "Yes or No," she replied.

    Flight Attendant

    It was dinner in the plane, and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner.

    "What are my choices?" the passenger said.

    "Yes or no," the flight attendant replied.

    Water

    My friend: What are you doing?

    Me: I'm making holy water.

    My friend: How?

    Me: I'm boiling the hell out of it.

    Adoption papers

    So, my friend's birthday is in a couple of days, and I was wondering what to get him.

    He hangs out at my house a lot, so I suggested adoption papers.