My jokes

I named my refrigerator Oicurmt, because every time I look in, I say, "O I C, U R MT."

Last time I talked to my girlfriend, she was yelling at me to put the hammer down.

I asked my girlfriend if she was a smoke alarm. She said, "Is it because I warned him when hotness came?" I said, "No, you don’t shut up!"

PP almighty stabeth thy! Then my sister said, "Just put it in."

I like men like I like money, always getting lost under my bed.

I had to take my pet octopus to the vet yesterday.

Oh, don't worry, he's okay now.

But the vet charged me six quid.

When my girlfriend broke up with me, I took her wheelchair. I always knew she would come crawling back.

The duck bought lipstick. When he paid, he said, "Put it on my bill."

I like my lovers like I like my whiskey, 12 years old and mixed up with coke.

My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my other girlfriend.

My wife told me to give her 8 inches, so I had to have sex with her 4 times and punch her in the nose.

My wife is an optimist. Our first night together, she handed me a Magnum XL condom. I didn’t know what to do, so I made her a balloon animal 🎈🦒.

Roses are red.

Grass is green.

I think of you sucking my peen.

According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly.

Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground.

The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.

Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black.

Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little.

- That girl was hot. - She's my cousin!

Suc my dic

Lil Timmy and Lil Susie are taking a bath together. Lil Susie looks down and says, "Hey, what's that?" Lil Timmy looks down and says, "Oh, that, that's only my little red race car." They continue on with their bath.

Then Lil Timmy looks down and says, "Hey, what's that?" Lil Susie looks down and says, "Oh, that, that's only my little red race car garage." They continue with their bath. Then Lil Susie says, "Hey, what if we try to put your little red race car in my little red race car garage?"

The parents downstairs then hear a bloody scream. They rush upstairs and then say, "What's wrong?" Lil Susie says, "Well, Lil Timmy tried to put his little red race car in my little red race car garage but the back wheels wouldn't fit, so we cut them off."

My people are starving. Stop Africa jokes. Not funny >:(

Sugar Honey Ice Tea.

I FORGOT MY JOKE!

They laughed at my crayon drawing.

So I laughed at their chalk outline.

What's the difference between cancer and me?

My dad didn't beat cancer... Whelp, I guess I stole that one.