My jokes

Stranger: Do you need hair regrowth products?

Kid: No, my hairline is just far back.

Stranger: Do you need a doctor?

My uncle named his dogs Timex and Rolex. They're his watch dogs.

I was once playing the bottle flip challenge on the school table with my friend, and when it was his turn, the bottle fell to his eggplant! 😱😂

What does an Arab prostitute say?

"Bomb my pussy!"

"What’s your name, son?" the principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” "Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”

Patient: Oh, doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation.

Doctor: Don’t worry. Mine too.

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, "Let’s make this interesting."

So we stopped playing chess.

I saw a black man riding a brand new bike, so I went home to check my garage. It’s all good because I still saw mine still chained to the floor begging for food.

What’s the difference between cancer and my brother?

My brother didn’t beat cancer.

I play saxophone, and I like to tell everyone I am a registered s/o (short for saxophone operator) in hopes of one day starting a jazz band, but now everyone looks at me weird, and when I go to house parties to perform, everyone hides their children, but little do they know I LOVE children. For some reason, I got multiple restraining orders because I said, “I want to touch the kids so they can one day become musicians themselves... like Michael Jackson.” I have then since moved from my hometown to Florida, where I can meet up with other s/o’s, and surprisingly, they have similar stories to me, but they say they have never even touched a saxophone, but they do like touching kids, which I’m all down for, just me and my buddies showing the new youth their abilities.

Update: i figured out what they meant by s/o is not the same as my s/o :(

I love going to church to get closer to God, but my least favorite part of church has to be touching the priest’s penis.

I turned the light on, and my dad said turn it off, so I unplugged his life support.

A boy was terrible at writing sentences, so his teacher gave him an assignment to help with that. The boy was to go home, write five sentences, and return to school the next day.

When he went home, he took a notepad and a pen and went to his dad for help. His dad was in a very important business call, so he angrily shouted at the child, "Shut up, you donkey!" The boy noted down that sentence. He next went to his mom, who assumed that he wanted to play video games, so she said, "No, my dear, tomorrow." That was his second sentence. For the third sentence, he went to his older brother, who was watching football where someone scored a goal, so he was jumping up and down yelling, "Goal! Goal!"

For the fourth sentence, he went to his sister, who was singing, "Spider-Man, Spider-Man!" For the last sentence, he went to his grandmother, who was cleaning the toilet and singing, "Under the toilet, under the toilet."

He went to school the next day, and his teacher asked him to tell her the sentences. The boy said, "Shut up, you donkey!" The teacher got angry after hearing this and asked the boy, "Do you want me to slap you?" The boy said, "No, my dear, tomorrow." This made the teacher so angry that she slapped the boy. Immediately, he started jumping up and down yelling, "Goal! Goal!" The teacher dragged him to the principal's office, as she was fed up with him. The principal asked the boy what his name was, to which he replied by singing, "Spider-Man, Spider-Man!" She asked him where he lived, so he sang, "Under the toilet, under the toilet."

What does a Chinese guy say to his lover? “You’re the ying to my yang!”

I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.

He said it was the most violent book he’s ever read.

Would it be wrong of me to yell “Jenga!” or “Timber!” while my class is watching a 9/11 documentary?

A gingerbread man walks into the doctor’s office with a broken arm. He asks the doctor, “Doc, what should I do? My arm is broken!”

The doctor then looks at him and says, “Have you tried icing?”

When I was recently standing in front of a huge puddle with my buddy, I remembered how he tricked me a week ago. So I tricked him...

Asked my dad what LGBT stands for.

He started with "Lettuce? Bacon. Tomato. What's the 'g' for?" Obviously, I had to reply with "Garnish."

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So I took away his towers, and he took away my queen.