My jokes
My mom said I rely on my devices too much, so I unplugged her life support.
Orphan: Favorite song?
My name:
I had a dream that I was destroying the world, and I blew up my house for fun. I woke up and couldn't find my pillow... nor the house.
My mom is in the FBI. My dad is in the FBI. My sister is in the FBI. My brother is in the FBI. And do you know what I am?
Divorced.
Peanuts are hard to crack, just like my ex-wife's heart.
Cremation:
My last hope for a smoking hot body.
What’s a lung’s favorite type of exercise?
Breathing exercises.
I told this to my English teacher, and he said it to the class, and no one laughed. Someone help!
I reached into my pocket and pulled out a rectal thermometer and thought,
"Some asshole has my pen!"
My mom told me to get off the computer or she will slam my head into the keyboard.
I don't think she lskdjfklsdjf.
My girlfriend called me a pedophile. That's a big word for a six-year-old.
My gf dumped me, so I took her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back?
Do you want to wear my sombrero?
Or is that nacho style?
Why is my dad gone?
I don't know.
I like my dates like I like my wine...
Locked in a cellar and aged for 12 years.
What do my little brother and a vagina have in common?
They both ooze blood 🩸 when punched.
Kid: Where do I put this paper?
Teacher: I already said go ask your neighbors.
Kid: Ok. *Walks home to his neighbor's house*
Kid: Hey neighbor, I didn't know where to put this paper, and my teacher said to ask you. Do you know?
Neighbor: No, sorry, I don't.
Kid: Okay, bye! *Kid walks back to school.*
Kid: Teacher, my next-door neighbor didn't know.
Teacher: Ugh, you went home?!
Kid: Yes, you told me to!
Teacher: I meant at school!
Kid: Ohhhhhh!
Teacher: Duh!
If wishes were horses, Beggars would ride.
If turnips were watches, I would wear one by my side.
And if if's and an's were pots and pans, The tinker would never work!
My ex keeps missing me. But her aim is steadily improving...
You're so fat that you're gonna be my next hamburger for dinner and the next In-N-Out, just like your parents.
I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it.
Then I remembered why I’m digging in our garden.