My jokes

I don't understand those couples that fight and a minute later change their Facebook status to single.

I fight with my parents, but you don't see me change my status to "Orphan."

My relatives always teased me during weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"

But they stopped when I did the same to them during funerals.

My name is Mr. Cheese, but your jokes are still cheesier than me...

My name is Mr. Cheese, but your jokes are cheesier than me!

Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, "Mommy, mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, daddy came in with the lady next door and they started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off daddy's clothes and daddy took off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of daddy and started...". The mother cuts him off and says "Just stop right there. You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him everything you just told me." Couple hours later the father arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across the face shouting "I'm leaving you... Go ahead Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier." Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy. "Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, you came in with the lady next door and you both started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off your clothes and you took off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of you and started doing the same thing mom did with uncle Joe last summer."

I wasn't close to my dad when he died.

Which was good, he died to a landmine.

I made this game called Ligma. Say it, "Ligma."

Lick my balls.

Mommy sits on my potty and sings a song about poop.

Mommy kisses my butt.

Couldn't believe how much of a bad mood my work mate was in this morning. So I decided to ask him what was the matter and if everything was OK with his wife, Flo.

He then broke down crying and said when he got home the night before, he caught his wife in bed with the plumber. I tried to console him as best as I could, but he just couldn't get over flow.

I got my son a trampoline for his birthday. The ungrateful cunt sat in his wheelchair all day.

To the guy who stole my depression medication,

I hope you're happy.

Can I put my balls in your jaws?

Can I put my baaaaalls in yo jaaaaaaws?

Me: Dad, my phone is broken.

Dad: How?

Me: I clicked the home button, but I'm still at school.

Dad: Stupid.

If I fall in love with my depression, maybe it'll leave me too.

(Took this from my other account @Toby :) btw)

My brother caught Covid last month.

First I knew about it was when he speed-dialled me at 3am and gasped, "I can't breathe, I can't breathe!"

I just told him straight: "Bro... you really need to work on your George Floyd jokes."

My day started out great until I woke up.

I made this one up myself just now.

Stephen Hawking would be a good pilot because the aircraft would be the first to take off and land in autopilot.

My girlfriend calling me: I'm home alone ;)

Me: I know, you always are...