My jokes

I've recently been treated with Asthma and have been prescribed penicillin. One day I was taking it and a man screaming "SUIII" came into the room and stole it! He thought the penicillin would give him penalties. I couldn't breathe, shame on you Penaldo for ruining my life!

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandpa, not screaming in terror like all the passengers on the plane he was flying.

I identify as Michael Jackson, and my pronouns are he he.

We shouldn't joke about major tragedies. My dad died in 9/11, he was Saudi Arabia's best pilot.

Me: A lot of things changed since I got my wife pregnant.

Friend: Like what?

Me: My name, my address, my phone number...

I used to work for a company called 69. My friend took over my position.

My birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

Despite my devilish attitude, I have the heart of a small boy.

I keep it in a jar on my desk.

I'm related to diarrhea; it runs in my jeans.

My grandpa was the best soldier ever. He gunned down over 100 soldiers in his bunker during D-Day.

Hey.

Girl: Hey.

Damn, I forgot my spray bottle.

Girl: What?

It says "spray on flat surfaces."

"My name must taste good; it's always in your mouth."

My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, “You’ll be next!”

They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

I have an awesome sex drive. My girlfriend lives 40 miles away.

Mom! Mom! My classmates called me an orphan!

Teacher said, "You never do your homework," so I shot her 7 times with a M1 BushDid911 and replied, "It's all in my backpack, can you grade it please?"

I put on my hazmat suit, and grabbed my equipment, and said, "My time to shine!"

My teacher said, "Words don't hurt!"

So I threw my dictionary at her.

Got a PS5 for my little brother yesterday, best trade I'd ever done.

My worst fear is being trapped in a lift with a man who is confident he can fix it.