My jokes

What's the difference between my dad and cancer?

My dad didn't beat cancer.

A lot of things changed when I got my girlfriend pregnant: my name, my address, and my phone number.

What makes laissez-faire and a gangbang the same?

Not my problem.

I asked my mother about her mom.

She said she was in a better place. After that, I asked her where that place is. She didn't know, so I sent her to a better place.

My peepee was big, now it's small.

So I went to a church the other day and I asked my friend, "Is that painting of Jesus and is it through the wall with one with three nails?" Oh wait, I wasn’t even Jesus, he’s not doing the T post that he invented.

My friend: You really need to stop the SH jokes.

Me: But they're not that long.

My dad has the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Sonic Boom in my ass.

I wish I knew life, but my dad said it was a mistake to begin with.

My boyfriend dumped me. Guess who came back crawling for his zimmer frame?

I was writing my final exams, and I saw a question saying to name the smallest thing in the world. To my knowledge, I chose an atom.

My Chemistry teacher said it was PSG. I was shocked beyond repair. Shame on you, PSG, I'm now a college dropout!

My sister is the weird dark one and emo of the family. I'm the bright happy one. Once in 3rd grade, I got a huge A on mine, and my sis got a D-.

In the playground near a tree, we were sitting and playing. I said, "Hey, a C- is not that bad," and raised my hand up to give her a high five, but she left me hanging.

This guy called anonymous said he's going to own me like he did my mum. Joke's on him, I have two dads.

My teacher said, "I'm gonna leave soon, I don't want to be here anymore!" So I shot her.

If your wife says: “What would you most like to do to my body?” “Identify it” is the wrong answer.

I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.

She is not “fun to be around.”

I’ll never forget my dad’s last words. “Erase my search history, son.”

Every time my grandmother and I were at a wedding, she’d say: “you’re next.” So I started saying the same thing to her at funerals.

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I bought her another, identical one.

She just screamed at me and said: “What am I meant to do with two dead dogs?!?”