My jokes

"FUCK FUCK FUCK MY CLOTHES CAUGHT THE FLAME OH MY GOD IT BURNS SO MUCH!"

"911, I just crashed my car. I think it's burning. I can't see. It hurts to breathe."

*Coughs roughly* Oh my God, it hurts so much. I can't see. It burns! Help!!! Help!!! Help!!! Help!!! *Weakly*

Me: Hey, do you want to see my grandma?

Friend: Yeah, sure.

Me: *pulls out gun*

Me- *crying in the shower*

Also me- *why is my toaster in here?*

This is fucked up, my name is Shaylie.

Person: My left ear is ringing.

Friend: Then answer it!

Guy: Are you tired?

His “Crush”: No.

Guy: Are you sure, because you’ve been running through my mind all day?

His “Crush”: That’s sweet.

Guy: I’m joking, you don’t look like you do any running.

A man robs a bank and asks a woman, "Did you see that?"

She says, "Yes." So the man shoots her.

He leaves the bank and sees a couple. He asks, "Did you see that?" The husband said, "No, but my wife did!"

Why are my students so naughty?

Son: Why is my sister’s name Paris?

Dad: Because we conceived her in Paris.

Son: Thanks, Dad.

Dad: No problem, Quarantine.

I was raised as an only child.

Which really annoyed my twin sister.

Hey guys. I just wanted to say, while I think some rape jokes can be funny, not one of these are. In fact, I find them pretty horrifying.

I was raped when I was fourteen (about six years ago), and I have made one rape joke in my entire life when, last year, I said "I don't fuck with rapists, I just get fucked by them." I thought it was funny. No one else did, and they were probably right in that.

My point is this: rape jokes CAN be funny when they are used by victims as a way of coping with trauma. They CANNOT be funny when they are made about raping someone else. Even if there is a difference between joking about raping someone and raping someone, it is absolutely disgusting to think such a horrific crime is funny, and I am sure at least some of the posters on this page have already crossed the line into committing rape.

Great material for social scientific research, though, gentlemen. Really well done.

I named my grass emo, and it cut itself.

"Kidnapping is just surprise adoption, congrats! You are now all my children! Just hop into the portal that leads to the Lust Ring in Hell!"

I asked my class what comes before 47. Everyone said 46, except for the quiet kid who said, "AK."

1. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

2. Why did the melon jump into the lake? It wanted to be a water-melon.

3. What did the duck say when it bought lipstick? “Put it on my bill.”

4. What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.

5. What has a bed that you can’t sleep in? A river.

6. Why were the teacher’s eyes crossed? She couldn’t control her pupils.

7. What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? An Envelope.

8. How does the ocean say hello? It waves.

9. What lights up a soccer stadium? A soccer match.

10. What creature is smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee.

11. Which U.S. state has the smallest soft drinks? Minnesota (as in, “mini-soda”).

12. Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted.

13. Apparently, you can’t use “beef stew” as a password. It’s not stroganoff.

14. Why did the drum take a nap? It was beat.

15. Where do hamburgers go dancing? They go to the meat-ball.

16. Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing.

17. Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil? Because it’s pointless.

How many orphans does it take to change a light bulb?

Obviously more than three because my basement is still dark.

My friend: "Hey, I see a dwarf!"

Me: "Where?"

Friend: "In front of me."

My Grandpa said, “Your generation relies too much on technology!” I replied, “We'll see about that.” Then I unplugged his life support.