My jokes
Me: Roasts my annoying cousin.
Everyone at the barbecue...
Unbelievable! When doctors touch my body, it’s alright, but if I do the same to some lady, apparently it’s "harassment!"
Guys, don’t put the Holocaust books in the fiction section, it was the worst mistake of my life!
Lmao Trump and Putin dislike my jokes! 🤣😂
Why do the twin towers and my mom have in common? They fell over.
My Mom said, "I have a daughter that killed herself for getting bullied."
Well, I said, "Have you seen her?"
My sister thinks she's so smart and funny. The only thing that is funny is her face.
Did anyone get my joke? It probably flew over your heads, oops I meant through.
What's the difference between the Twin Towers and an airplane landing strip? Don't know, neither did my dad.
Girl: Wanna come over to my house?
Orphan: I have to ask if my parents come home.
My friend died from Ligma!
Ligma balls.
I was happy for once, and my family was happy I was happy, but that all changed when they found out I was thinking about bridges and humans.
Today was the worst day ever. My ex got ran over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.
So I went to my friend's house and he told me to make myself at home, so I kicked him out. I don't like visitors.
Me be straight and bored.
Goes to my local bar which has a glory hole.
Out up spending the rest of the night there.
About to leave when, motherfucker, I realize I've been sucking a guy's cock this whole time.
):
ROBERT LEWANDISNEY SONG
Give me freedom. Give me fire. Give me contract, Or I retire.
Jog all day, Out of UCL now. FC Barcelona, I need you now.
Villarreal defenders, They surround me. Big submarines, All around me.
I get upset. Call my agent. I want money. I’m impatient.
My username good.
My little brother is scared of ghosts so I won't let him watch Bayern today.
Okay, I may be strict, but I won't let Tapindowski give my son a heart attack. His shocking ghosting performance today is a danger to my family and I'll ask UEFA to investigate the matter.
I was given an invisibility cloak by my grandfather, but it was stolen in 2013. After investigating this issue, I have come to the conclusion it was Robert Lewandisney.
That's why he was invisible in every big game since 2013. SHAME ON YOU LEWANDISNEY!
My cousin: Brother, I lost in a game of Call of Duty: Moe Bill [he was supposed to pronounce it as mobile; however, I left it as it is].
Me: So tell me about it then.
My cousin: I lost to Sum_Baldi.
Me: Somebody? Don’t they have, like, the name of you opponents?
My cousin: No, no, no, the name was Sum_Baldi. S.U.M_B.A.L.D.I.
Me: Ok, my bad. Continue.
My cousin: I got Sum_Baldi, and 5 seconds later, I got kill[ed] by Sum_Fing_Wong.
Me: It’s not wrong! In Call of Duty, you are suppose to kill or be killed.
My cousin: No, no, no, the name was Sum_Fing_Wong. S.U.M_F.I.N.G_W.O.N.G.
Me: My bad again. Do continue.
My cousin: I got so angry I blow[ed] up.
Me: So you got blowed up, by what weapon?
My cousin: By the game.
Me: [was not expecting that for an answer]