My jokes

My grandma just died from cancer.

My last words to her were “I like your cut, G.”

A guy walks into a restaurant and orders turtle soup. The waiter hollers, "One turtle soup!"

A moment later, the guy calls the waiter over and says, "I’ve changed my mind, I would like pea soup." The waiter hollers, "Hold the turtle, and make it pea!"

Me, an orphan: *laughing at orphan jokes*

Some person: Stop laughing, it's sad to laugh at your pain.

Me, an orphan: That's the funny part, what am I going to do, tell my parents?

What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?

I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.

Your so fat, my sister said. I said, "So at least I ain't fatter than your momma."

What did the lady say to Michael Jackson on the beach?

"Excuse me sir, but you're in my sun."

Me being raped is like my birth certificate; it doesn't expire.

What did the mother say to Michael J. on the beach?

"Excuse me sir, but you're in my son!"

My fitness guru said that if I got raped, it would help me in future marathons.

So, Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it. One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says, "Teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is." She replies, "Okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But before class ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties. After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess. "Blue." "Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear. "Well, come with me out to my dad's car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out. When they get to the car, she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear. His dad exclaims: "That mother fucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"

Hello my fellow Americans, I'm playing Clash Royale for the USA clan, and two towers are already gone?

The twin towers were like my parents... They never came back.

How it be when the new guy takes too long...

Hay Danny, it's me Johnny.

Johnny: Boss says to kill the guy in red. Point the gun at his head.

Danny: Ok, target locked. 3... 2... 1... bang.

Johnny: Danny, hope you did not get the man in red.

Danny: OH MY BRO FOR REALL.

A fat man coming in the store.

Waiter: Oh god, not again :|

Fat man: Hi, I would like three fries and 19 burgers.

Waiter: Sorry sir, you will get the owner's store out of stock on food. Can I get you a salad instead?

Fat man: Oh sorry, but I'm the owner, and I have a lot of stocks. For the record, you should get yourself my order. You're skinny af, girl. You trying to be a stick or something?

I love trash bags because they remind me of my heart... black.

So I asked my mom for a bath bomb, she just gave me a toaster.

I went fishing while watching porn, and my girlfriend said, "Well, you want my fish?" and I said, "But you're not in the water."

My grandad said I'm too reliant on technology, so I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

I wish my grass was emo, then it would cut for me.

My friend who is in a wheelchair told me a joke, and I burst out laughing. I told him he should be a stand-up comedian.