My jokes

I regret my abortion.

I didn’t know child labor was an option.

I got fired from my paramedic job on the first day. I told an eight-year-old who lost his leg in a car accident to "walk it off."

I hooked up with my German girlfriend. It was really distracting when she kept saying her age.

My girlfriend died in Tokyo during a tsunami. I was sad, but my friend told me, "Don't worry, there are plenty more in the ocean."

I think my family is racist.

I brought a black girl home, and my wife went crazy and told me to pack my bags, and my kids were upset.

I think one of my dads might be gay.

Job Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in the next five years?

Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.

I said I’m losing my mind. My friend said, “You didn’t have much to begin with.”

I told my teacher, "I’m failing life." She said, "That’s not on the syllabus."

I’m not saying my life’s a joke. I’m saying it’s the punchline no one asked for.

I used to be into fitness. But running from my problems got exhausting.

I told my therapist I feel suicidal. He charged me in advance.

My therapist said I have trouble letting go of the past. So I killed him.

My dog is called Syndrome. He jumps up at me and I shout, "Down, Syndrome! Down, Syndrome!"

My first time sex was like buying my first used, crappy car.

I didn't want it, but Dad gave it to me anyway.

An Ob-Gyn asks a lady to put her feet up on the stirrups.

Doctor: My God, you have the biggest vagina I’ve ever seen!

Woman: You don’t have to say that twice.

Doctor: I didn’t.

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple 'thank you' is all I need.

Not all this 'How did you get in my house?' business.

My wife treats me like God!

She takes no notice of my existence until she wants something.

What did a man say to his boy?

You are my son.

My Son: "Mummy, why is my name Thomas?"

Me: "Because the night you were conceived, I had a train run on me."