My Jokes

An ugly, poor teenage girl found a genie lamp in her backyard. The genie said, "I will grant you 3 wishes, but under 1 condition."

"What is it?" she asked.

"After I grant your final wish, you have to have sex with me," the genie replied.

"Okay, for my 1st wish, I wish to be the prettiest girl at my school," the genie snapped his fingers and made her pretty.

"For my 2nd wish, I wish for my family to be rich," the genie snapped his fingers and told her her family is now the richest in town.

"And your final wish?" the genie asked.

"I wish I had a sabertoothed vagina."

My lesbian neighbors and my sister gave me a Rolex for my birthday. I guess they misunderstood when I said I wanted a watch.

My 19-year-old girl killed a butterfly. I said no butter for you.

She then she killed a cockroach. I told her nice try.

My girlfriend told me her lips were dry, and she had the audacity to get mad at me for telling her to walk.

My woman is a nine on a bad day, but she’ll be 10 on her birthday.

Yesterday, there was a blackout on my street.

So I sold them.

I like my women how I like my scotch: 11 years old and mixed with Coke.

What’s 9 inches long and makes my girlfriend scream?

One inch and put it in her. Her miscarriage.

One time a blind person grabbed my arm thinking it was something else.

"Oh wow, this is such an interesting book!"

My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have.” So I went in as Batman.

Two Italian men get on a bus.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. They speak with an Italian accent.

The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first.

Den I come.

Den two asses come together.

I come once-a-more.

Two asses, they come together again.

I come again and pee twice.

Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

About a month ago, I was at my best friend’s funeral and I told him, "Bitches always come and go." He looked at me kinda mad, kinda confused, and said, "That’s my mom, dude."

My boyfriend always likes when I wear my fishnet sleeves. He says it looks great on me, but he doesn’t know that my skin is covered with scars... no one does. No one questions why I wear them everyday. I hope it stays like that because I can’t deal with my mom finding out that I still hurt myself.

I went to see my doctor today and I asked him how come every time I have sex my eyes hurt.

He said that’s a common reaction to pepper spray.

My cousin really loves baseball.

He always brags about how many home runs he hit in the minors.

My wife said she wanted steamed vegetables with her steak, so I put her father in the hot tub.

The first time riding my bike was a lot like my first time having sex.

It was hot. I was sweaty, but my sister had her hands on my shoulders all the time.

My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex. Guess they misunderstood when I said I wanted to watch.

What is the difference between a broom and a mop?

It’s hard to beat my girlfriend when she’s holding the mop.