Once I went to a museum and over heard someone speaking to an employee for information.
"These are lying clocks, they tell how many lies a person tells."
"oh cool"
"this is mother Teresa's clock, the clock hasn't moved because she never lied."
"Makes sense"
"This is Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands only moved twice indicating he only lied twice."
"Where's Trump's clock"
"Oh, we're using it as a ceiling fan."
And then I burst out laughing 'cause it's so true.
Shipmate: captain, there’s an iceberg and we need to steer around it right now! Captain:my momma didn’t raise no pussy. Either that iceberg is gonna move or I am.
Yo mama so scary, the government moved Halloween to her birthday
I lost all faith in humanity I am moving to uranus its really big I might get lost
riddle: I don't move, I travel across the world, but I never leave the corner. what am I?
answer: a stamp
A Chinese moves to the USA after 50 years of living in Shanghai.
He bought a home on a small piece of land.
The friendly American neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy.
He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard, chasing about 10 hens.
Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.
Next day he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees him urinate into a glass and then drink it.
Not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.
A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the neighbour leading a bull down the drive way and then put his left ear next to the bull's butt.
The American dude can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says, "Jeez man, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighborhood and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it and then today you have your head so close to that bull's butt, it could just about shit on you."
The Chinese man is very taken back and says, "Sorry sir, you no understand, these no Chinese customs I am doing, these are American Customs."
'What do you mean' says the neighbor, "Those aren't American customs."
"Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me" replied the Chinese man. "He say to become true American, I must learn to chase chicks get piss drunk and listen to bull-shit!"
A man had moved to a new contry with his dog and with basic understanding of the language. One day he heard people talking about a place for dogs, so he took his dog there telling he wanted his dog to be groomed. The man behind the counter responded with "yes happy dog, come back in little hours" so the man left and came back a couple hours later when he asked about his dog he was given a box of jerky he found out "happy dog" was the name of the place where dogs become food.
Why could the kid go rock wall climbing?
Because, every time he moved his leg upward his prospetic leg fell off
Yo mama's so fat, when God said "Let there be light" he asked her to move out of the way
one time little johnny saw someone in his yard tying a rope to a tree and he moved the stoll and the tree broke. little johnny screamed. " HAHA Your skinny enough to break the tree"
people say towers can't move, apparently, nobody told that to the trade centers.
one day I went skating and skated for so long that my feet were incredibly sore. It was like my skates were moving all by themselves but I decided to just roll with the situation
COBRA GRINDSET OF THE DAY: Depression isn't real. You feel sad, you move on. You will always be depressed if your life is depressing. Change it. Bitch!
Why do dear stay infront of a moving car
To commit suicide
A mouse said who should put the bell on the cat then all move said the old one
why cant you go home tonight because you haven`t got a home it`s moved
A orphan was playing with a famous baseball player. The baseball player walks up to him and says “dude, I gotta teach you”. The orphan goes “why I got all your moves down”. The baseball player goes “but kid you can never find home though”.
Did you know there’s a sex move called Amazon? You wait all day and nobody comes
How are babies and elderly similar?
They are both fun to throw out of moving cars
