Morbid jokes
What’s one good thing about child molesters? They drive slow in a school zone.
What do McDonald's and a priest have in common? They both stick their meat in 10-year-old buns.
What is a cannibal's favorite food?
Crackers.
What is a suicide pack's favorite song?...
Let the bodies hit the floor.
My mom said the happier a person is when sick, the sooner they get better.
So I went to the hospital, hooked up everyone's breathing masks to laughing gas.
A little boy was given a bicycle and a soccer ball for his birthday, but why was the little boy unhappy?
Because the little boy had no legs.
What's the difference between Pikachu and an orphan?
Pikachu, I choose you!
I was sitting at a bench at the park and saw a lady. She asked which kid was mine, and I responded, "I haven't decided yet."
Why did Sarah fall off a skyscraper?
Because she made her dad mad.
You'd think the Catholic Church would be thankful for condoms, less DNA evidence.
The emo kid tried to high five the tree.
But the tree left him hanging.
Why is Santa's sack so big?
He only comes once a year.
Why did little Timmy dip the cookie in water?
"Because his dad never brought the milk."
I moved so much stone today.
I feel like a guy from Palestine looking for his wife.
While I was out shopping, I tripped in a store and a lady would not stop staring at me. For fun, I said, "Sorry! It's been a while since I've possessed a body." She looked horrified.
Dads are like boomerangs... I hope!
Son: Dad, why is my name Experience? Dad: Son, Experience is the name we give our mistakes.
You won't eat a human, so why eat meat? Bold of you to presume I won't eat a person.
What did they do with Michael Jackson when he died?
They melted him down and turned him into Lego, so kids could play with him for once.
Pinocchio goes to the doctor for a checkup. When he gets there, the doctor asks him, "Do you have cancer?" Pinocchio replies, "That was very straight up, but no, I’m pretty sure I don’t have cancer." After saying this, his nose grew.
What do you call a white person having a seizure?
A vanilla shake.
What do you call a school shooting survivor who grows up to be a prostitute on the West Coast? A Sandy Hooker
So I was being robbed, and this guy had the gun to my head, so I told him he was holding it backwards.