Morbid jokes
Sara opens her lunch and reads the letter inside. "I packed your favorite -love mom," Sara reaches in and announces "yay PB and J!" Tom goes in his lunch and pulls out a letter "go buy yourself something healthy at the cafeteria -Dad," then pulls out 20 bucks and says "nice!" They both look at Craig as he pulls out a letter. Craig reads the letter in his head, it said "WE HAVE YOUR PARENTS, THEY TELL US THEY KEEP THE MONEY UNDER THEIR BED. BRING $10 000 TO THE RANDAVOU POINT OR THEY WILL BE KILLED. YOU DIDN'T TAKE US SERIOUSLY LAST TIME SO THERE IS MORE PROOF IN YOUR LUNCH." Craig throws down the letter and pulls a finger out of his lunch. Tom and Sara look shocked, then Craig says "ugh, severed finger, again!"
What’s green and orange and sits at the bottom of the swimming pool?
A baby with burst armbands.
A kid gets home from school and finds his mom and dad having sex. The kid asks, "What are you doing, Dad?" The dad replies, "Having sex with your mom, son," and he starts laughing.
The next day, Dad gets home from work and finds his son having sex with his nan. The dad shouts, "What the hell are you doing, son?" The kid replies, "It's not funny when it's your mom, is it?"
What are the best shooting ranges in America?
Schools.
Cops go to the hood when the shooting range is closed.
Abortion is a really touchy subject for me. On one hand, there's dead babies! But on the other hand, women get a choice.
How many cancer patients does it take to change a lightbulb? 10, 1 to change the lightbulb, 9 to talk about how inspired they are?
My girlfriend's dog died, so I got her a new one in replacement, and she went off on me and yelled,
"What am I supposed to do with 2 dead dogs in my house?!"
My mom said the happier a person is when sick, the sooner they get better.
So I went to the hospital, hooked up everyone's breathing masks to laughing gas.
Racecar backwards is racecar, but racecar sideways is how Paul Walker died.
Mom said dad had the best pullout game... now I'm an uncle.
What's the difference between Hitler and Logan Paul? At least Hitler had respect for the Japanese!
What’s red and very rare?
A baby in a blender.
What happens when a computer thinks it knows better than a human?
Ask Boeing.
Secretly, I’m a woman catfishing gay men on Grindr. When a notification from the app went off, my son told me, “I’ve heard that sound. Daddy has that game, too!”
SON: “Mommy, I found Daddy!”
MOM: “What did I tell you about digging in the garden?”
What’s the difference between peanut butter and a dead baby?
Dogs only lick peanut butter off private parts.
What do you call an obese man with bipolar? Twins.
What do you call 2 homeless people throwing rocks at each other? "Pillow Fight!"
I like my women like how I like my cocaine, smuggled and cut clean.