Morbid Jokes

Say this out loud: Alpha Kenny One.

Man: Hey kids, who wants milk?

Kids: Me!

Man: *unzips fly*

What's the difference between herpes and my dad?

Herpes stays around.

Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.

They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy.

When earthquakes hit, coffins become maracas underground.

If a special ed kid is late to class, is it okay to call me a little tardy?

An Irish-man walks out of a bar.

Alex: Dad, can we get me a little brother from the orphanage?

Dad: Sure, Alex! We're here!

Orphanage manager: Alex! You are so big now!

Alex: Dad, what is she talking about?!

What do cannibals call pregnant women? A kinder surprise.

What goes Snap, Crackle, and Pop?

A neck.

Knock knock?

Who's there?

Willis.

Willis who?

Willis dick fit in yo mouth?!

Q: How many dead babies does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: I don't know, there are twenty in my basement, and my basement light still isn't fixed.

Doctor: "I have good news and I have worse news." Patient: "Well, what's the bad news?" Doctor: "You have one day left to live." Patient: "What news could possibly be worse?" Doctor: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday!"

Q. What's the difference between a normal kid and an emo kid? A. One has a functioning neck.

Who goes to a comedian show and gets offended?

A feminist.

I was on the Oregon trail with my friend's brother, Carl. He got cholera, so we threw him off the wagon. When we came back, he was having a seizure and pooping uncontrollably. It was pretty cholerious.

My son asked me what dark humor was, so I told him, "see that kid in the wheelchair, ask him to stand." He said, "But Dad I'm blind." Exactly.

I have the heart of my mom, the face of my dad, the eyes of my grandpa, the ears of my grandma, and the hair of my uncle. We don't look anything alike; I just collect body parts.