Morbid jokes
Hippity hoppity, Hiroshima, Nagasaki.
What's funny about dead baby jokes? - They never get old.
How do you punish Helen Keller?
You leave the plunger in the toilet.
What's the difference between a child and a book?
One doesn't scream when you snap its neck.
Q: How come in airports, they park the planes outside?
A: They don't belong in buildings.
Why did Mia Khalifa become so famous?
Because she blew up.
What's the difference between a penis and a gun?
A child doesn't cry when a gun goes off in its mouth.
I was rooting for Donald Trump to be president.
We haven't had a presidential assassination in a while.
I’m old enough to remember innocent times when the worst headline was plane hijackers flying into buildings.
Doctor: You'll be at peace soon, sir.
Me: What? Am I dying?
Doctor: No, your wife is.
Daughter: Mommy?
Mom: Hey.
Daughter: What kind of kids do they use to make Sour Patch Kids?
Mom: They don’t use kids to make Sour Patch Kids.
Daughter: Oh, that’s why the ones I made taste kind of funny...
What is the difference between a wagon filled with sand and a wagon filled with newborns?
You cannot unload the sand with a pitchfork.
Say this out loud: Alpha Kenny One.
Man: Hey kids, who wants milk?
Kids: Me!
Man: *unzips fly*
So I ran into my specialist doctor, and he said, "Pick a star sign, any star sign." So I said, "Capricorn," and he said, "Nah, you got cancer."
What's the difference between herpes and my dad?
Herpes stays around.
If a special ed kid is late to class, is it okay to call me a little tardy?
Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.
They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy.
An Irish-man walks out of a bar.
What do cannibals call pregnant women? A kinder surprise.