Morbid jokes
Hippity hoppity, Hiroshima, Nagasaki.
What's funny about dead baby jokes? - They never get old.
How do you punish Helen Keller?
You leave the plunger in the toilet.
What's the difference between a child and a book?
One doesn't scream when you snap its neck.
Q: How come in airports, they park the planes outside?
A: They don't belong in buildings.
Why did Mia Khalifa become so famous?
Because she blew up.
I was rooting for Donald Trump to be president.
We haven't had a presidential assassination in a while.
What's the difference between a penis and a gun?
A child doesn't cry when a gun goes off in its mouth.
I’m old enough to remember innocent times when the worst headline was plane hijackers flying into buildings.
Doctor: You'll be at peace soon, sir.
Me: What? Am I dying?
Doctor: No, your wife is.
Daughter: Mommy?
Mom: Hey.
Daughter: What kind of kids do they use to make Sour Patch Kids?
Mom: They don’t use kids to make Sour Patch Kids.
Daughter: Oh, that’s why the ones I made taste kind of funny...
What is the difference between a wagon filled with sand and a wagon filled with newborns?
You cannot unload the sand with a pitchfork.
Say this out loud: Alpha Kenny One.
Man: Hey kids, who wants milk?
Kids: Me!
Man: *unzips fly*
So I ran into my specialist doctor, and he said, "Pick a star sign, any star sign." So I said, "Capricorn," and he said, "Nah, you got cancer."
What's the difference between herpes and my dad?
Herpes stays around.
Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.
They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy.
If a special ed kid is late to class, is it okay to call me a little tardy?
An Irish-man walks out of a bar.
What do cannibals call pregnant women? A kinder surprise.