Morbid jokes

I'll never forget my grandma's last words, "What are you doing in here with that hammer?"

My little cousin's birthday was in a few days, and his mom said he wanted Hot Wheels. So I sent him a video of me pushing a paralyzed kid into fire and screaming "HOT WHEELS!"

So, my kid took my car. He crashed it off a bridge. I miss it, but it's going to have my car.

What is black and sits at the top of the stairs? -- Steven Hawking after a house fire.

Why do they call my dick section 8?

Because all the hoes are on it.

Jeff, did you hear they're making a film about Jimmy Savile? It’s a very touchy subject.

Yeah, I did, Gary, but did you hear the reviews on the Bill Cosby film? People said it was so boring it put them to sleep.

If you watch "Jaws" backward, it will be a heartwarming story about a shark who gives arms and legs to disabled people.

I thought it was polite to open the door for a lady, but she just screamed and flew out of the plane.

What was the last thing to go through JFK's mind?

A bullet.

What’s a Muslim’s favorite car?

A Citroën C4.

what's the difference between hitler and you?

one didn't keep posting on twitter about killing themselves.

Jon said: What do you call a pregnant woman?

Mike said: I don’t know, what?

Jon said: Kinder surprise.

In History class, the teacher taught a lesson about serial killer Albert Fish. Back in the early 20th century, Fish reportedly kidnapped, ate, and raped over 100 kids. He mainly chose victims who were either retarded or black. Further on the lesson, the teacher explained how in those days, black people were socially not equal with white people, and how people with mental illness were not accepted and treated properly due to a lack of knowledge of mental health.

One of the students raised their hand and said, “You ought to be arrested.” The teacher confusedly asked, “Why?” The student explained, “Because you’re thinking like Albert Fish.”

I went home to my girlfriend with milk! She said, "Oh thank you honey!"

Then I got a call from a girl named Melissa. She called and said, "Steven, where the hell have you been? It's been two weeks and you still haven't come back yet?"

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing, you've told her twice.

I had a goldfish that could break dance on the carpet... but only for, like, twenty seconds and only once.

I tried making an orphan baseball team. It sucked because they couldn’t find home plate.

What does a cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?

He wipes his butt.

What did Nicki Minaj say when she sat next to a bomb?

"Bang bang right through the roof. Bang bang all over you."

An Irish-man walks out of a bar.