Morbid jokes
My ex-girlfriend got hit by a bus. I also lost my bus driver's license.
Me and my stepmom went into the forest.
I think I hid the body pretty well, but now I have to hide the gun.
I heard that my crush got kicked in the balls and when I thought of it...
Why do US suck at chess? We lost both our towers.
Why is England so good at chess? They still have their queen.
Why does Russia suck at chess? They only have pawns.
What goes Snap, Crackle, and Pop?
A neck.
What 3 words started Jeffery Dahmer's cannibalism?
"This isn't ketchup."
People always told me to open doors for elders. So I opened the plane door 5,000 feet up in the air for a grandma.
What's the difference between an emo kid and a pack of Oreos? The bar code on the emo kid gets longer every day.
What do women and airplanes have in common?
A cockpit.
People say that biting off your finger would be as easy as biting a carrot if your brain didn't try to stop you. How the f do people know that and how many people's fingers did they bite off before coming to that conclusion?
What's the difference between a baby and garlic bread? I feel bad when I drop garlic bread.
Why did Steven Hawking not go to heaven after he died?
He could not get up the stairs?
What's better than sex with your 12 year old sister?
Rolling her over and pretending it's your 10 year old brother.
Doctor: "I have good news and I have worse news." Patient: "Well, what's the bad news?" Doctor: "You have one day left to live." Patient: "What news could possibly be worse?" Doctor: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday!"
My son asked me what dark humor was, so I told him, "see that kid in the wheelchair, ask him to stand." He said, "But Dad I'm blind." Exactly.
Orphans only have 363 days because they don't have Mother's or Father's Day.
Boy 1: "Sonic is a fictional character."
Boy 2: "Yeah, just like your dad."
My wife called me a pedo. That's a big word for a 6 year old.
When you break up with your online girlfriend, and you hear your uncle crying in the other room.
Sara opens her lunch and reads the letter inside. "I packed your favorite -love mom," Sara reaches in and announces "yay PB and J!" Tom goes in his lunch and pulls out a letter "go buy yourself something healthy at the cafeteria -Dad," then pulls out 20 bucks and says "nice!" They both look at Craig as he pulls out a letter. Craig reads the letter in his head, it said "WE HAVE YOUR PARENTS, THEY TELL US THEY KEEP THE MONEY UNDER THEIR BED. BRING $10 000 TO THE RANDAVOU POINT OR THEY WILL BE KILLED. YOU DIDN'T TAKE US SERIOUSLY LAST TIME SO THERE IS MORE PROOF IN YOUR LUNCH." Craig throws down the letter and pulls a finger out of his lunch. Tom and Sara look shocked, then Craig says "ugh, severed finger, again!"