Morbid jokes
I was hit on by President Kennedy, too bad I shot him down.
Sara opens her lunch and reads the letter inside. "I packed your favorite -love mom," Sara reaches in and announces "yay PB and J!" Tom goes in his lunch and pulls out a letter "go buy yourself something healthy at the cafeteria -Dad," then pulls out 20 bucks and says "nice!" They both look at Craig as he pulls out a letter. Craig reads the letter in his head, it said "WE HAVE YOUR PARENTS, THEY TELL US THEY KEEP THE MONEY UNDER THEIR BED. BRING $10 000 TO THE RANDAVOU POINT OR THEY WILL BE KILLED. YOU DIDN'T TAKE US SERIOUSLY LAST TIME SO THERE IS MORE PROOF IN YOUR LUNCH." Craig throws down the letter and pulls a finger out of his lunch. Tom and Sara look shocked, then Craig says "ugh, severed finger, again!"
Whatβs green and orange and sits at the bottom of the swimming pool?
A baby with burst armbands.
A kid gets home from school and finds his mom and dad having sex. The kid asks, "What are you doing, Dad?" The dad replies, "Having sex with your mom, son," and he starts laughing.
The next day, Dad gets home from work and finds his son having sex with his nan. The dad shouts, "What the hell are you doing, son?" The kid replies, "It's not funny when it's your mom, is it?"
You have a six-minute timer to live, but when you breathe, it resets.
What are the best shooting ranges in America?
Schools.
How many cancer patients does it take to change a lightbulb? 10, 1 to change the lightbulb, 9 to talk about how inspired they are?
My wife called me a pedo. That's a big word for a 6 year old.
My girlfriend's dog died, so I got her a new one in replacement, and she went off on me and yelled,
"What am I supposed to do with 2 dead dogs in my house?!"
Cops go to the hood when the shooting range is closed.
A guy goes onto a rooftop bar and is sitting next to a guy who says he's drinking a magical drink. He asks, "What's so magical about it?" The guy drives a car and flies it around the rooftop. The other tries, but falls off and dies.
The bartender shakes his head and says, "Y'know, you're a real jerk when you're drunk, Superman."
Mexican runs into a wall. He loses hope.
Abortion is a really touchy subject for me. On one hand, there's dead babies! But on the other hand, women get a choice.
Racecar backwards is racecar, but racecar sideways is how Paul Walker died.
What's the difference between Hitler and Logan Paul? At least Hitler had respect for the Japanese!
Whatβs red and very rare?
A baby in a blender.
Mom said dad had the best pullout game... now I'm an uncle.
Secretly, Iβm a woman catfishing gay men on Grindr. When a notification from the app went off, my son told me, βIβve heard that sound. Daddy has that game, too!β
My dad went to go get milk. He came back 7 years later, and we had to send him back because he got the wrong milk.
Simplest way to tell if dogs are better than cats: My dog is named Curiosity, and your cat is dead.