Morbid jokes
Why do they call my dick section 8?
Because all the hoes are on it.
Kid: Dad, what is it like to be drunk?
Dad: You see those two trees over there? If you were drunk, you would see four.
Kid: Dad, there is only one tree.
Trying to make a baby talk is like trying to negotiate with North Korea.
So, is a homosexual in a coma a fruit or a vegetable?
Why don't orphans play baseball?
Because they don't know where home is.
There was a man named Matt that went to the church to confess one of his most recent sins. He told the priest, "I am here to tell you my sins." He was all for it and said, "Go ahead."
Matt, "Father, last night I almost cheated on my wife."
Priest, "How so?"
Matt, "We were together naked, but we didn't do anything, just rubbed each other, that's all."
Priest, "RUBBING TOGETHER IS THE SAME THING AS PUTTING IT IN! For your sins you must never see that woman again and put $50 in the donation box!"
Matt, "Okay, I promise not to see her again."
Then Matt walks out the door.
Priest, "Hey! I saw you! You didn't put any money in the donation box!!"
Matt, "Yes I did. I took the money and rubbed it against the box because you said rubbing it is the same thing as putting it in."
What's the difference between my phone and my sister?
I actually give a damn if my phone dies.
What does a bicycle and Jade Goody have in common?
They can't reach 30.
I’m probably the episode 9 since I make people cry.
What's harder than steel?
Michel Jackson in an orphanage.
What's the difference between you and Jesus? Your parents remember Jesus's birth date.
A family of three, a dad, a mom, and a 12 year old son are driving in the car when the dad says, “How about we play a little game of two truths and a lie? It’ll be fun.”
“Ok,” the mom and son reply happily.
“Let me start,” says the son.
“Ok, go ahead,” replies the mom.
“I hate video games, I hate school, and I love junk food,” says the son.
“Ooh ooh! You do love junk food, you do hate school, and you don’t hate video games.” Says the mom.
“You’re right!” He replies.
“I’ll go next,” says the dad. “I love your mom, you’re adopted, and my dad almost died in WWII.”
“Hmm... Your dad did not almost die in WWII, obviously I’m not adopted, and you do love my mom.” Says the son.
“The lie isn’t that you’re adopted,” says the dad.
I started selling landmines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are through the roof!
*Hears the news about Sandy Hook* Person 1: "God, I can only imagine what was going through those kids' heads in the last moments of their lives..."
Person 2: "Probably Bullets."
Person 1: "OMG!! Can you even think of what their parents are going through?!"
Person 2: "Probably Coffin Brochures."
Person 1: "...."
Person 2: "It's called dark humor. Dark humor is like food, not everyone gets it."
If you need help, you will need trash, 'cause you the trash.
What does a Rubik's cube and a man's penis have in common?
The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
Q. What walks through alleys and has a hole in it?
A. Batman's parents.
"Why is it that orphans only play tennis?""That's the only love they can get..."
"Most Deadly Sport"
Playing chicken with a train!
"Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?"
"To the morgue."
"What? But I’m not dead yet!"
"And we’re not there yet."