Morbid jokes

Girls are like blackjack; you shoot for 21, but I keep hitting 14.

My great grandfather died in 9/11.

He was an amazing pilot.

Teenager: "OMG, I’m prego, my mom's gonna kill me."

Baby: "Lmao, same"

Son: Dad, what's a morbid joke?

Father: Walk over to a homeless man and throw a rock at him, then you will know.

Son: But Dad, I don't have arms or legs.

Father: Now you know.

Dad: Son, everyone in your class got COVID.

Son (in a happy tone): I know.

Dad: How do you know and why are you so glad?

Son: Well, yesterday you told me to spread positivity.

Women should be allowed to leave the kitchen... to clean the rest of the house.

So, a woman gets into a car accident and is in the hospital, and the doctor goes on to tell the man what is going on.

Doctor: "So, your wife, she is paralyzed from the neck down."

And as the doctor goes on, he says all the things the man must do for her, like feed her, dress her, etc. Then the man says, "Why, WHY ME!"

Then the doctor leans over and whispers in the man's ear and says, "I'm just fuckin' with you, she's DEAD!"

In school, we learned that squirrels stick their nuts in trees. So, just like my uncle Dave...

The secret to dark humor is the delivery... oh wait, the baby was stillborn.

My girlfriend lives a few miles away from me.

The other night, she called me at around 3 AM. She was terrified. She said that there were two armed gunmen in her apartment.

With all that adrenaline going through my system, it made it hard to go back to sleep.

What's the difference between an Afghan kindergarten and a military target?

The drone guy didn't know either.

What’s the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?

A prostitute only has one crack, and has to wash it and sell it again.

If you jump off a bridge while crying, it's suicide, but if you jump off a bridge while screaming "parkour," it's a failed stunt.

Q: Who are the fastest readers? A: Twin Tower victims, they got 80 stories in ten seconds.

Kids are so ungrateful sometimes. I bought a wheelchair for my son. Did he say thank you? Nope! That mtf just sat in his wheelchair the whole time crying the whole day. 😐

It says enter a joke, but I can't enter my life.

How do you win an argument against a emo? kick the chair.

Little Jimmy has 5 red apples. His dad's car will arrive in 20 minutes. Calculate the mass of the Sun.

So, I text my girlfriend and told her I wanted to get inside her. Can you believe she replied: "Not again brother, I'm only 8."

What’s a Mexican’s favorite sport?

Cross-country.