Morbid jokes
What's a kidnapper's favorite shoes?
White vans.
Everything disappears in the Bermuda Triangle.
Except my depression.
What's one thing gay people can't draw?
A straight line.
Q. What walks through alleys and has a hole in it?
A. Batman's parents.
A new game the whole family can play...
Incest.
I got a handjob from a blind woman the other day. She said, "It's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand." I said, "No love, you're just pulling my leg."
When was the first Black Friday?
1619.
Did you know Cobain had dandruff? Yep. They found his head and shoulders all over the back of his couch.
I like my women like how I like my cocaine, smuggled and cut clean.
Secretly, I’m a woman catfishing gay men on Grindr. When a notification from the app went off, my son told me, “I’ve heard that sound. Daddy has that game, too!”
How do you surprise a blind guy? Leave the plunger in the toilet.
You got a dig bick.
You read that wrong.
You read that wrong too.
Maybe you read that wrong as well.
You just went and back-checked.
You reread all of that.
You have a pet wussy.
You read that wrong...
You need mental help.
Why do prostitutes love servicing zombies? They always leave a tip.
What do you call the people in the Challenger explosion?
Ashtraynauts.
How do you get an emo out of a tree? Cut the rope.
A teacher is doing an experiment about taste. She tells each student to line up so she can give them each a lifesaver, so they can tell her what flavor it is. She gives Suzy a pineapple one. Suzy tries it, says the flavor, and then goes and sits back down. That is the same for everyone, then it is Jhonny's turn. The teacher hands him a honey flavor one. Jhonny chews it for a while, then says,
"Teacher, I don't know what it is.". The teacher tries to give him a hint and says, "it's what your parents call each other when you are asleep". Immediately the boy behind Jhonny screams, "Spit it out Jhonny, it's an asshole!!!"
I got the newest Call of Duty game! I got a 200 kill streak, then I went home and played COD.
"You da bomb!" "No, you da bomb!"
In the US, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.
Why did the little boy drop his ice cream? He got hit by a bus.
Me: Have you ever tried African food?
You: No.
Me: They haven't either.