Morbid Jokes

Little Jimmy asked his mom if he could take a bath with her since he was scared of being alone. She said, "Sure, just don't look up." He looked up and said, "Woah, what are those?" She replied, "Those are just headlights." He looked down and said, "What is that?" She said, "That's just a bush." The next day, mommy wasn't home, so he asked to take a shower with his papa instead. He said, "Okay, but don't look up." He looked up and said, "Woah, what is that?" His papa replied, "That's just a snake." Later that night, he asked to sleep with his parents. They said, "Okay, just don't look under the covers." After a while, he grew bored and went under the covers. Jimmy screamed, "Mom, turn on the headlights, the snake is in the bush!"

Pedophiles are fucking immature assholes.

What's one thing gay people can't draw?

A straight line.

A woman decides to take a well-earned vacation, and she asks her brother to watch her cat while she's away.

On the second day, when she calls her brother to see how things are going, he tells her bluntly that the cat is dead.

The woman is really upset and goes into hysterics, before saying, "You can't tell a person bad news so bluntly. You should break the news gently. The first day, you should have said that Fluffy was stuck on the roof and couldn't get down. The second day, you could have said that she had fallen, but the vet said she would be okay. Then on the third day, you could have said that she died from complications."

The next day, the woman calls her brother again and asks how things are. He says, "Well, Grandma is stuck on the roof and can't get down..."

So, two condoms walk by a gay bar. What does one condom say to the other? "Hey, wanna get 'shit-faced?'"

Fortnite is like America... At one time it was good and free. Now it's neither.

What's the difference between sand and a dildo? Sand has never gone up my ass.

A mosquito with a Mario hat on flies on you saying, "It's-a me, Malario!"

How do you stop a baby from crawling around in a circle on the floor?

You nail its other hand to the floor.

How do you get a clown to stop smiling?

You shoot him in the face.

I pushed a disabled kid in a fire, then called him "hot wheels."

You wanna know what I want for Christmas? My dad to come back with the milk he said he was gonna get.

What do you call a train with bubble gum?

A chew chew train.

Oh man, I'm depressed.

What's a lesbian's favorite type of food?

Finger-food.

Where do suicide bombers go?... Everywhere.

Two friends are talking and one says, "I had a good day today, I ran into my ex." The other guy replies, "How is that good?" The friend says, "I was in my car."