Morbid jokes
I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to join my family tree... She dropped the rope and ran.
What do priests and doctors have in common?
They both do physicals on kids.
What's a kidnapper's favorite shoes?
White vans.
When I went to heaven, I saw Steven Hawking standing there. I asked why he isn’t in heaven yet. He said there are stairs.
I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.
I started selling landmines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are through the roof!
Never take a person canoeing or kayaking if they had a cerebrovascular accident.
They’ll hear the one word they hate the most: “STROKE, STROKE, STROKE!”
After work, I volunteer to help blind children. Verb, not adjective.
Boy 1: "Sonic is a fictional character."
Boy 2: "Yeah, just like your dad."
What goes 100mph and bounces up and down? A baby tied to the back of a truck.
My Asian girlfriend has a weird name. As I gave her anal, she was yelling "I'm too young."
Girl: "How do you feel about abortion?"
Dad: "Ask your sister."
Girl: "I don't have a..."
I keep looking for my girlfriend's killer, but no one wants to do it.
If Martin Luther King were white, what would they call him?
Alive.
How do you get a clown to stop smiling?
You shoot him in the face.
When earthquakes hit, coffins become maracas underground.
Someone raped my ear, now I have hearing aids.
Halloween! The day nobody questions the bodies dangling in your tree!
Teachers at a school shooting be like: damn it. That's the third one this week and it's only Monday.
I like my couches like my women... Old, used, and big enough to fit 3 men.