Morbid Jokes

when Ted Bundy found out he was getting the death penalty, he was pretty shocked...

So I got asked why I suddenly started wearing a beret, and I said, "Well, you never know when you need to pick a lock."

My little cousin's birthday was in a few days, and his mom said he wanted Hot Wheels. So I sent him a video of me pushing a paralyzed kid into fire and screaming "HOT WHEELS!"

Why is America bad at chess? We already lost two towers.

I found out what DNA stands for. It's the National Dyslexic's Association.

Did you hear about the guy who got his left side chopped off?

Well, he’s all right now!

A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.

After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers!”

She replies: “Oh my god! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”

To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”

Hell in Greek times was known as cold and misty... so now just look at Seattle.

You find some dust on the ground. Your friends dare you to snort it... Then you realize you're in a crematorium.

When an orphan takes a selfie, it's a family photo.

Most states:

"It's ok, it won't be awkward. We're still friends."

Alabama:

"She didn't wanna be my girlfriend anymore. But she said she'll still be my sister."

What is a pirate's favorite letter?

A letter from his family; he hadn't seen them in years.

What's the difference between an American 12-year-old and an African 12-year-old? About 40 pounds.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Depression medicine and therapy.

GO AWAY!

How do you get more presents from Santa? You tickle his sack.

I got an Xbox achievement the other day. It said "Trash Master," and everyone looked at me at the funeral.

billie: hi.

me: You wanna hear a story?

billie: Yes, sure.

me: Once upon a time, I ran over your dog last night.

What do you call a hot tub full of special ed students?

Vegetable Soup.

Two brothers play on the street. One of them finds a condom on the ground. Not knowing what it is, they go to their mum and ask what it is that they found. Mum gets mad and yells to throw that away immediately.

Guys go back to the yard, surprised why their mum got mad for just latex. One of them says: "Why did mum get so angry?" The other: "I have no idea, thankfully we did not tell her that we've eaten the yogurt inside!"