Morbid jokes
when Ted Bundy found out he was getting the death penalty, he was pretty shocked...
So I got asked why I suddenly started wearing a beret, and I said, "Well, you never know when you need to pick a lock."
Why is America bad at chess? We already lost two towers.
*Hears the news about Sandy Hook* Person 1: "God, I can only imagine what was going through those kids' heads in the last moments of their lives..."
Person 2: "Probably Bullets."
Person 1: "OMG!! Can you even think of what their parents are going through?!"
Person 2: "Probably Coffin Brochures."
Person 1: "...."
Person 2: "It's called dark humor. Dark humor is like food, not everyone gets it."
I asked my mum why she’s depressed, she said her life has been a wreck. I asked how long has it been, she then asked when I was born.
What do an angler fish and a pedophile have in common?
They both like to hide in dark places, look creepy, and like to lure small creatures.
You find some dust on the ground. Your friends dare you to snort it... Then you realize you're in a crematorium.
A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.
After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers!”
She replies: “Oh my god! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”
To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”
I found out what DNA stands for. It's the National Dyslexic's Association.
Did you hear about the guy who got his left side chopped off?
Well, he’s all right now!
Hell in Greek times was known as cold and misty... so now just look at Seattle.
When an orphan takes a selfie, it's a family photo.
Most states:
"It's ok, it won't be awkward. We're still friends."
Alabama:
"She didn't wanna be my girlfriend anymore. But she said she'll still be my sister."
What is a pirate's favorite letter?
A letter from his family; he hadn't seen them in years.
My little cousin's birthday was in a few days, and his mom said he wanted Hot Wheels. So I sent him a video of me pushing a paralyzed kid into fire and screaming "HOT WHEELS!"
What's the difference between an American 12-year-old and an African 12-year-old? About 40 pounds.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Depression medicine and therapy.
GO AWAY!
I got an Xbox achievement the other day. It said "Trash Master," and everyone looked at me at the funeral.
billie: hi.
me: You wanna hear a story?
billie: Yes, sure.
me: Once upon a time, I ran over your dog last night.
What do you call a hot tub full of special ed students?
Vegetable Soup.