Morbid Jokes

I took my girlfriend out the other day... Man do I love being a sniper.

I'll never forget my grandma's last words, "What are you doing in here with that hammer?"

2 friends are talking and the one says, "I had a good day today, I ran into my ex." The other guy replies, "How is that good?" The Friend says, "I was in my car."

In 2016, Americans took Orange is the new Black to a whole other level

My grandpa was amazing. He killed hitler

Why did Beyonce say "to the left to the left?" Because women dont have rights.

What is 6 inches long and makes women scream? Stillbirth...

what do you not want to do when it comes to giving an emo a job?

showing them the ropes.

This year my friends wanted to dress up as crayons for Halloween. They asked me if I wanted to be a tan crayon. I didn’t want to, but I said yes to be nice. I wish I had said no, because now I look like a dick to everyone else.

How to punish a blind kid, rearrange his bedroom

So there's an orphan in a hospital, and the doctor walks up and says, "Sorry, kid, but this is a family hospital."

What do you call a fat girl with a rape whistle?

Optimistic

You wanna know what i want for Christmas? My dad to come back with the milk he said he was gonna get.

Girl: How do you feel about abortion? Dad: Ask your sister Girl: I don't have a ...

Candy is dandy

But liqour is quicker.

Why did hitler kill him self? His gas bill was to high

Three guy are in the woods, a a really smart guy, an average, and a really dumb guy, they bored so the smart guy decides to go hunting a little while later he comes back with a dear, the average guy asks how do did you do that? The really smart guy says says I see dear tracks I fallow dear tracks, I see dear I shoot dear. The average guy say I think I understand and leaves, an little bit later he comes back with a raccoon. The really dumb goes *gasp* how did you do that!?. And the average looks at him funny and says well I see raccoon tracks I fallow raccoon tracks, I see raccoon I shoot raccoon. The super dumb guy thinks for a second and says Oooohh, ok I thiNo I can do that.. and leaves. Hours pass and and the guy finally returns, hurt, bloody, and horribly mingled. They run to help him. Finally one of the guys ask him what happened this is what he said: I see train tracks, I fallow train tracks. I see train I shoot train. But train keep coming.

Kid:what is between moms legs? Dad:paridise. Kid whats between you legs? Dad:the key to paridise. Kid:well uou better change the lock the neighbor has the key to.