What does PEMDAS stand for?
Please End My Depression And Suffering.
When I'm bored, I go into an elevator with a full duffle bag. Once people come in and the door closes, I zip open the bag a little bit and whisper to it, "I'll get you some food once we get off."
Me and my friend went to the park. After a while, we grabbed our little princess and said, "It's time to go, sweetie." But before we could go, someone said, "Stop them, they have my daughter!"
What’s pink, black and has 17 nipples?
A trash can behind the cancer ward.
What is the difference between a washing machine and a child?
The washing machine doesn't cry when you put a load in it.
I'm not saying I hate you, but if you got hit by a bus, I'd be driving that bus.
My grandad was shocked to learn that lightning can strike in the same place twice.
People judge me because I'm quiet.
No one plans a massacre out loud.
My friend was a victim of a school shooting once, but he couldn't tell if they were in the library because of the suppressor on his AR.
I saw a little kid on their bike before. So I ran home to see if it was mine. Mine was still chained up, so we’re good.
I got kicked out of the school library for placing a women's rights book in the fiction section.
What's the difference between the real Jesus and a picture of him?
It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.
Why are women like hurricanes?
They come in nasty and wet, then leave with your house and car.
Q: What does your Mama and a slinky have in common?
A: They aren't much to look at, but you can't help cracking a smile when you see it tumbling down the stairs.
What's My Favorite Thing About My Grandpa?
His life insurance...
Kid: What is between mom's legs?
Dad: Paradise.
Kid: What's between your legs?
Dad: The key to paradise.
Kid: Well, you better change the lock, the neighbor has the key to.
Two gay guys, two lesbians, and two pedophiles have a race.
What is the order of finish?
1. Lesbians. Doing 69 the whole way.
2. Pedophiles. Coming in a little behind.
3. Gay guys. Still packing their shit.
And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Candy is dandy.
But liquor is quicker.
Why did Hitler kill himself?
His gas bill was too high.
