Morbid jokes

My grandpa was amazing. He killed Hitler.

A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. "Jesus is watching you." The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing.

A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. "Jesus is watching you." Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, "Jesus is watching you." The robber realized it was the parrot talking!

Going to the parrot, he asks it, "Are you the one who's been talking to me?" The parrot responds, "Yes." The thief couldn't believe it. So, he asks another question. "What is your name?" "Ismael." the parrot replies. The man scoffed. "What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?" The parrot speaks yet again, "The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus."

What does PEMDAS stand for?

Please End My Depression And Suffering.

How to punish a blind kid, rearrange his bedroom.

I was raised an only child, which really pissed my brother.

I got kicked out of the school library for placing a women's rights book in the fiction section.

What’s the difference between jail and my basement?

Some people are let out of jail.

When I'm bored, I go into an elevator with a full duffle bag. Once people come in and the door closes, I zip open the bag a little bit and whisper to it, "I'll get you some food once we get off."

I'm not saying I hate you, but if you got hit by a bus, I'd be driving that bus.

What is the difference between a washing machine and a child?

The washing machine doesn't cry when you put a load in it.

My grandad was shocked to learn that lightning can strike in the same place twice.

I saw a little kid on their bike before. So I ran home to see if it was mine. Mine was still chained up, so we’re good.

What's the difference between the real Jesus and a picture of him?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

Why are women like hurricanes?

They come in nasty and wet, then leave with your house and car.

Q: What does your Mama and a slinky have in common?

A: They aren't much to look at, but you can't help cracking a smile when you see it tumbling down the stairs.

I took my girlfriend out the other day... Man, do I love being a sniper.

What's My Favorite Thing About My Grandpa?

His life insurance...

Why did Beyonce say "to the left to the left"?

Because women don't have rights.

Two gay guys, two lesbians, and two pedophiles have a race.

What is the order of finish?

1. Lesbians. Doing 69 the whole way.

2. Pedophiles. Coming in a little behind.

3. Gay guys. Still packing their shit.

Kid: What is between mom's legs?

Dad: Paradise.

Kid: What's between your legs?

Dad: The key to paradise.

Kid: Well, you better change the lock, the neighbor has the key to.