Morbid jokes

I like my women like how I like my cocaine, smuggled and cut clean.

They say give a man an inch, he'll take a mile. What about women? They don't have dicks.

A man goes for his annual checkup. Afterward, he's sitting in the doctor's office, and the doctor comes in with the results of his tests. The doctor says, "I have some bad news; you have cancer and Alzheimer's." The man replies, "Well, at least I don't have cancer."

Why do orphans play GTA? Cause they wanna feel wanted.

"Just say no to drugs!"

Well, if I'm talking to my drugs, I probably already said yes.

Halloween! The day nobody questions the bodies dangling in your tree!

Why can't two Chinese people have a white baby? Because "two wongs don't make a white."

So, Satan is in the delivery room having a child.

Soon, a feathered creature comes out. "Doctor," says Satan, "What is it?"

The doctor sighs. "Well, it's not a boy, and it's not a girl."

Satan looks frustrated. "THEN WHAT IS IT?!?!?"

The doctor looks up. "It's a goose."

I started beating my washing machine because it wasn't working, my wife started crying.

When you send her a dick pic, but then she sends you one right back...

My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.

It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

Teacher: What's your favorite animal?

Me: Desert Eagle.

Teacher: Why?

Me: 'Cause it fits in my backpack.

I was walking in the forest with my gf.

I had a Desert Eagle for protection.

A bear jumped out of the bushes; one shot was enough to put my gf down, and it gave me enough time to run away.

How do you get an emo out of a tree? Cut the rope.

Officer sees a man and he is seeing he is having trouble walking, so he asked him, "Sir, are you drunk?" The man responds, "No, sir, I'm not drunk." So the officer asks, "How high are you?" And the man responds, "No sir, it's 'Hi, how are you?'"

I got the newest Call of Duty game! I got a 200 kill streak, then I went home and played COD.

What’s Bin Laden’s favorite drink? Double Manhattan.

I got an Xbox achievement the other day. It said "Trash Master," and everyone looked at me at the funeral.

My girlfriend told me the dishwasher was leaking, so I brought home some tampons.

I love eating pussy. That’s why the animal shelter is always my go-to for a good meal.