Morbid jokes
My ex-girlfriend got hit by a bus. I also lost my bus driver's license.
Today, I learned that a group of piranhas can maul a small child down to the bone in under 20 seconds. Well, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
After a surgery, a man claimed he couldn't feel his legs. I replied, "Of course not, I amputated your fucking arms!"
I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store.
I said to him: "I don't think they have what you're looking for, sir."
I pushed a disabled kid in a fire, then called him "hot wheels."
I’m so annoyed by those people who just believe in anything they hear. This is a conversation I had a few days ago.
Idiot: "The moon landing was faked! So unbelievably fake!" Me: "You believe in the moon? Stupidass."
"Mum, I just won this phone in a race!"
"Who was in the race?"
"The owner of the phone. And the police. I think they're at the door to congratulate me!"
My mom said she will slam my head into my computer if I don't get off it. I'm not too worried though, I think she is just joking.
I bought a gun from Walmart today. I guess they knew what I was going to do with it, because when I pulled the gun on the cashier, I realized the firing mechanism was in reverse.
You are walking through the woods when you cross a woman who has been raped and beheaded. What is the first thing you do?
Check your map, you’re obviously going in circles.
I had a horrible nightmare yesterday. I was in a room filled with all of my ex's, so I was completely alone.
Why can't you fool an aborted fetus? Because it wasn't born yesterday.
When earthquakes hit, coffins become maracas underground.
Why is America bad at chess? We already lost two towers.
A man goes for his annual checkup. Afterward, he's sitting in the doctor's office, and the doctor comes in with the results of his tests. The doctor says, "I have some bad news; you have cancer and Alzheimer's." The man replies, "Well, at least I don't have cancer."
What's black and white and red all over? A police brutality case.
A wife decided to leave for a vacation, leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her cat. After a few days, she called her husband and asked, “How is everything going?”
He responded with, “The cat is dead.”
She cried out and said, “Why couldn’t you have broken the news slowly? You could have said the cat is playing on the roof or on the first day, and the next say it broke its leg, then the next that the poor thing's dead! Anyways, how’s my mom?”
“She’s playing on the roof.”
What’s the difference between a child and a suicider?
One stays quiet forever...
What is a pedophile's favorite part about Halloween? -- Free delivery.
I go in to get a prostate exam. I'm nervous, but the doctor says it's all natural and needs to be done.
So he pulls down my pants and sticks one finger up my ass. I feel it go deeper inside, feeling for abnormalities.
That's when I realize his hands are on my shoulders.