Morbid jokes
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it.
One man's pet is another man's dinner.
Why did Santa stop at three ho's?
Ms. Claus caught him.
A husband got a message from his neighbor one day. It read, "Hey, I'm sorry I had to tell you like this but I have been doing your wife for months now." The husband went to go grab his gun and shot his wife. He hid the evidence and a few hours later he got another message from his neighbor saying, "Sorry, meant using your wifi."
Children should never run with scissors, and lesbians should never scissor with the runs.
Are you a Samsung Galaxy Note 7? Because I want to explode in you!
How many fingers am I holding up?
Said the suicide bomber, referring to the countdown.
My mom is the jelly, and my dad is the peanut butter. And I am the bread, the only thing keeping them together.
What's the only time you can do almost whatever you want?
When you have a gun in your hand.
What’s the best part about putting a baby in a blender feet first?
Watching their expression change.
A man asked for poison and another man gave it to him. The first man took a sip and said, "hmmm, this tastes like arsenic." He took a sip of another and said, "hmmm, this tastes like cyanide. A very unpleasant taste that brings back memories."
If you take a shot, a paper wad, in the trashcan, and call "Kobe!" but miss, it's still a Kobe.
I told my mother I wanted a brother for Christmas. The next day, I saw her in the strip club across the street.
I don't get why cancer is so hard to beat. I'm already on stage 4.
If your parachute fails midair, remember, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
My dad still hasn’t come back with the milk. Now we are stuck eating dry cereal.
That awkward moment when you're checking yourself out in the window of a car and you realize there's somebody inside.
My old platoon sergeant always told me the hardest thing when walking through a field of dead babies was... his cock.
What's the worst thing to star in?
An amber alert.
We need more women in the military! They can bleed for weeks and still not die!