Morbid jokes
If only Caesar hadn’t left home that day...
Who read the most words?
911 passengers, they read 12 stories in 9.10 seconds.
Why did lil Susie fall off the swing? She didn’t have any arms.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Not lil Susie.
A child was walking through the forest when a wolf jumped in front of him. The child saw that the wolf had no leg. He then became a terrorist and caused 9/11.
A man and a boy are walking into a forest. It begins to get dark. The boy says "Mister, I'm scared." The man replies "How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone."
What’s the only victimless crime you can commit? Murder, cause there’s a victim less!
Did Jesus die a virgin?
Of course not, he got nailed before he died!
"Why do people call Americans excessive?"
"It was probably because of WWII."
"Oh, you mean the war where America responded to the destruction of several ships and a harbor and the deaths of a little over a thousand by completely flattening two cities and killing hundreds of thousands of people?"
Chiropractor: Final neck adjustment in 3, 2, 1. How did that feel?
Me: *silence*
People always tell me to say no to drugs, but if I'm talking to drugs, I probably said yes.
In the bus, you can't spell "black" without "back."
Look at a bag of black grapes. See how dark they are? That’s how I like my men. 25 at a time.
What sound does a baby make when you put it in a blender? I don’t know. I was too busy wanking.
Who’s more excited than a kid on his birthday?
Jimmy Savile in a primary school playground.
Why do emo people want to be called scene now? The only thing I've seen from them is their suicide rate climbing.
My name is Jafar. I come from afar. There's a bomb in my car. Allahu Akbar!
My credit card is more declined than the love from my dad.
My mom gave me a box of chocolates, and she said life is like a box of chocolates, but then it kind of tastes like dog shit.
Humans and sharks have something in common: the great ones are always white.
We don't got sluts in the South, we got NATS: Nasty Ass Traveling Sluts.