Morbid jokes
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
So a lady was walking down the street with two bags, and one of the bags was leaking $100 bills. A cop pulls up and he says, “Ma’am, ma’am, your bag is leaking hundred dollar bills.” Then she says, “Oh, thank you. I wonder how long that’s been going on.” And the cop says, “Before I help you, may I ask why your bag is leaking $100 bills?” And the lady says, “OK, I’ll tell you. So I live next to a stadium, and I have this beautiful rose garden, but these dumb teenagers always try and pee on the rosebushes. So they stick their junk through the fence, and I grab their junk. I said, ‘$100 dollars or it’s coming off.’” The cop says, “Oh, OK, well what’s the other bag for?” And she says, “Well, not all of them want to give me $100.”
arya fae
Sally has no arms. What did she get for Christmas? I don't know, she hasn't opened it yet.
What was the last thing that crossed Princess Diana's mind?
The steering wheel.
I was having sex with my girl, and she said she likes it rough, so I socked her in the face.
How do stars die? Usually a overdose in an airport.
What does Michael Jackson and McDonald's have in common?
They both use 30-year-old meat in between two-year-old buns.
Say, "Crack my fingers."
Now say that backwards...
What's about 12 inches long, has a purple head, and can make women scream all night?
Cot death.
Hi, welcome to David’s sperm bank. You jack it, we pack it. How may I help you?
What do you call someone with an extra chromosome winning in a pool? Posiedown.
My father left me at a young age.
He was only five.
"Lizzie Borden took an axe. And gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, She gave her father forty-one."
Pass around the roses, their casket full of hoses, crash it, watch it, the water! OH SHIT IT'S GONNA BLOW!
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but there will always be something that offends feminists.
I wish my lawn was emo, because then it would cut itself.
Where did Janet go during the bombing? Everywhere.
My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology.
I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
There was a cannibal who had a wife and eight kids.