Morbid jokes

Jay and Andrew are best friends who are almost alike. The difference between them both is Jay is poor and well... Andrew, on the other hand, is suck-a-dick poor. Let me explain, Jay wakes up in his room, walks to the kitchen, and asks his mom, Lisa (I call her Lisa now, btw), if there is anything to eat. "No, bitch!" she replies, so Jay drinks a glass of milk and goes back to bed.

Now Andrew... wakes up, jumps out of bed, and he's in the kitchen. He sees his mom fixing some food for work after a long hard night of giving her husband blue balls. "Anything left for me, Mother?" Andrew asks. "Sorry, Honey, I have to eat to put food on the table and to get the running again." *so she goes to work, taking her time* Andrew sits by his bedside and says to himself, "Man... I'd suck a dick for some water right now." *his mom storms back after hearing what he had said* "I'll buy you a soda if you do my first customer for me!"

I always say I'm single, which annoys my wife.

What do Jesus and I have in common? Our dads left us...

What is a dead kid's favorite anime? Bleach.

Why do elephants paint their toes red, blue, green, orange, brown, and yellow?

So they can hide in a bag of M&Ms.

What do you call a kid with Down syndrome trying to beat Minecraft?

“A sped runner.”

When I was acting up, my mother used to tell me, "I brought you into this world, and I will take you out. I gave you life, and I can also take it." So my son was acting up and talking back to me. Now I'm being charged with murder. I don't understand. I thought it was okay to kill your own kids.

Whoever invented school, I hope you burn in hell.

I have a pussy. It's very hairy. It has a long thing sticking out of it. It's also very hair. My hairy pussy meows and purrs.

I hit my friend.

He's dead now.

There are 5 cows in a field. One of them is the mom, the rest are kids. One of the kids walked up to the mom and asked, "Why am I named Daisy?" and then a daisy fell on her head.

The second cow came up to the mom and asked, "Why am I named Rose?" and then a rose fell on her head. Then the 3rd cow said, "Why am I named Violet?" then a violet fell on her head. Then the 4th cow walked up and said, "Merrrbere." Then the mom said, "Shutup, cinder block!"

A surgeon loses his job as he botched a surgery.

boss: "We have to let you go."

surgeon: "I protest innocence."

boss: "How?"

surgeon: "I thought doing your job and saving people's lives were two different things."

boss: "Get out!"

What's the best part of working at an abortion clinic?

Free dog food.

What is the difference between an orphan and an apple?

Well, at least one gets picked.

How do you make a plumber cry?

Break his pipes...

I got suspended for asking an emo kid if he wants to hang out with me.

My name is Joe Biden, and I am running for US Senate.

Jack and Jill popped some pills to get a little tipsy.

Jack got a surprise and bloodshot eyes because Jill gave him a roofie.

What do you call it when a girl on her period goes swimming?

A blood bath.

your mom