Morbid jokes
Three men die at the same time and go to Heaven. St. Peter says to them, "It's going to be a long journey to heaven, so I will give you a good vehicle depending on how much you've cheated on your wives."
"We'll start with you, Michael. Since you were quite the womanizer and cheated on your wife multiple times, you will be getting a Toyota." The man, embarrassed, left in the Toyota.
"Nolan, you were better; you cheated on your wife twice, so I will give you a Mercedes. Now, as for you, Mark, you never cheated on your wife; you are an absolute saint, so I will be giving you a Lamborghini."
The man in the Toyota saw the man with the Lamborghini the next day crying like a child on his car, and he asked the man in the Lamborghini, "What the hell is going on?"
The man in the Lamborghini says, "I just saw my wife riding through the streets of Heaven on roller skates!"
Why didn’t Harry Potter use the chamber to teach Dumbledore’s army?
Because at one point poisonous gases were put in it.
What do you call it when Portericans surround your house?
A spicket fence!
Where are you not allowed to go trick or treating as a ghost?
Harlem, New York.
If you’re forced to have it as a child, you won’t like it as an adult.
I guess Hitler was forced to have vegetables when he was younger.
What's red and white and lives in a blender?
A baby.
What part of a vegetable can't you eat?
The wheelchair.
Rape, 9/11, abortion, orphan, murder, dead, kill, drugs.
What makes all these categories so familiar? Either you've experienced them, or made them up in your backstory.
What's Adam's biggest fear?
Andy with a belt.
What do you get when you cross a bunny and a Rottweiler? Just the Rottweiler.
You're the bunny, and I'm the Rottweiler.
What's the difference between Andy and acne?
Acne waited until Adam could talk before coming on his face.
Q: What is red, white, and blue and fun to watch?
A: A cop car rolling over after trying to catch someone for speeding.
What do you do when your baby starts screaming?
Use more lube.
I'm late for my interview! Do you know where the nearest sex offender registry is?
9/11 is the biggest game of Jenga... ;)
At least Africans don't have to worry about food critics.
I like my girlfriends like my children: dead.
My neighbor is like my marriage. They're both in the hole.
Why is 7 afraid of 6?
Because 7 is a vegetarian and 6 is a cannibal.
The Make-A-Wish Foundation has gone too far. All of the Make-A-Wish kids asked for cancer to be gone, so they just gave the cancer to all of the Make-A-Wish kids.