Morbid jokes
Hookers are like drive-thrus; you tell them what you want, pay for your stuff, and leave.
Why can't America play chess?
They're missing two towers.
So I went to Comic-Con and saw a man with an arm missing, and I thought, "Cool display," until I heard him screaming and getting the other arm chopped off. Then I said, "Man, now that's a 10/10 display, wow!"
A man walks over to a little boy and asks, "Wanna see my tattoo of a bunny?"
The little boy replies with, "Yes please, I love bunnies!"
The man proceeds to pull his pants down and said, "Can you see it yet?"
The little boy curious says, "No, where is it?"
The man says, "Dig a little deeper, he runs into the hole when he gets scared!"
I'm in school shooting. #USA
A killer gone up to 5 people and killed 4 of them. There were 2 couples and 1 third wheel. The 5th one was left single out...
Stephen Hawking lost connection to the WiFi.
At weddings, old people poke me and say, "You're next!" So I do the same to them at funerals.
When a woman removes polish with chemicals, no one bats an eye, but when Hitler removes the Polish with chemicals, suddenly people lose their shit?
Why do my parents not love me? Because I've fucked 12 dogs and 7 minors while they were watching!
What do you get when you put a baby in a box filled with glass and nails and push it down the stairs?
... A boner.
What's the darkest point in the universe?
The inside of a KFC.
I don't see why Africans complain about not having water. They have free chocolate milk.
If I was in a room with Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, Hitler, and my greatest enemy, I would pour out the bullets and beat my enemy with the gun.
What’s the difference between a mother and a fetus at an abortion office? Only one of them is scared.
Did Jesus die a virgin?
Of course not, he got nailed before he died!
What's red, 6 inches long, and makes my girlfriend cry when I feed it to her?
Her miscarriage.
The mother and her daughter went to the store. After they arrived, the daughter looked around and ran off somewhere. The mother realized this and took off looking for her. After a while, she found her tugging on a black man. The mother asked, "What are you doing?" and the daughter replied, "I wan't the chocolate!"
The last thing that went through Abe Lincoln's head was a bullet.
So, my mom has hit me with a flip flop when I was bad, and when I cheated on my girl, right when the other girl came in, a flip flop came flying in the room.