Morbid jokes
Are you a mirror, because I see myself in you?
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Dad!
Dad who?
*Silence*
Wife is texting husband:
"Honey, if I give you 300 dollars, will you stop being blind?"
Husband: "seilghsielguG"
Wife: "Seriously, David?"
Husband: "fuweyadb"
How did a man kill his car? He throttled it.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It doesn't matter, he's dead.
Why can you punch an orphan and get away with it?
Because what is he gonna do, tell his parents?
What goes up must come down, apart from Mr. Vyse.
When you have to get your prostate checked and you can feel the cold rubber of the glove, but you realize both the doctor's hands are on your shoulders.
Why did the kid drop his ice cream cone?
He got ran over by a bus.
Two of my grandpas died in WW2.
Their tower fell over.
A man drinks beer and jumps off a tower, and he's okay. The other guy says, "Whoa, how'd you do that?"
He does it again, so the guy gets a beer, the same beer, and jumps off. He died.
The bartender looks at the original man who jumped off and says, "Superman, you're a real butthole whenever you're drunk."
My favorite sex position is the McDonald's.
Ba da ba ba ba, I'm lovin' it!
You know, the strangest things happen. My mom said, "Step on a crack, you break your mama's back, but if you step on a line, you break your father's spine." I stepped on the line. It didn't break his spine. Mom, who is my father?
It's not a joke.
Why did Santa stop at three ho's?
Ms. Claus caught him.
If your parachute fails midair, remember, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
Why did Sally fall off the swings?
Because she had no arms.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Not Sally!
What’s the difference between a baby and a beet?
Beets stain your teeth.
What's the difference between an ISIS militant base and a Pakistani children's school?
I don't know, I just fly the drone.
What's yellow all over and can't swim?
A school bus full of children.