Morbid jokes
Went swimming today and peed in the deep end. The lifeguard saw me and blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in.
Johnny Johnny?
Yes pa pa.
Eating sugar?
Yes pa pa, I am eating sugar because it is the only thing I can reach and you have refused to feed me for the past 3 days. You smoke 2 packs of cigs a day and you're mad at me for eating a little sugar. Smoking? Telling lies? Yes pa pa, you do all of those things because you're a chronic addict.
Why did Susie fall off the swing? Because she didn’t have any arms.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Not Susie.
A girl in my class started barking, and I yelled out, "Furry!" Everyone started laughing at her, and I felt bad. After school, I asked to drive her home, and one the way there I apologized and then told her to count down from 10 - 1. Before she said one, I yelled, "THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!" then I jumped out the car.
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.
What's pink and fluffy? Pink fluff.
What's pink and rusty? Madeline McCann's bike.
What’s the difference between women and condoms?
There isn’t a difference; they’re both throw aways.
I'll never forget my mother's last words: "What are you doing with that sledgehammer?"
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
Keep the tip.
What's better than 5 babies in one dumpster?
1 baby in 5 dumpsters.
Why did Princess Diana cross the road? She wasn't wearing a seat belt.
What do you call a Russian rifle that went 1 rank down?
An AK-46.
What did one casket say to the other casket?
"Is that you coughin'?"
What's the difference between my basement and my garage?
One has a pile of babies' bodies; the other has their heads.
I will never forget my Grandpa's last words: "What are you doing with that rope and saw?"
There was a cannibal who had a wife and eight kids.
Kian. Legit, Kian is a joke.
Why don't churches have Wi-Fi?
They can't compete with an invisible force that actually works.
I remember my grandad's last words: "Are you still holding the ladder?"
I'll never forget my boss's last words: "We shall serve the best meat in our burgers!"