What's about 12 inches long, has a purple head, and can make women scream all night?
Cot death.
Morbid Jokes
Where did Joe go after getting lost on the mine field?
Everywhere.
I can’t hang out with an emo when they are sad? Why? Because it cuts deeply.
If you want to pick on someone, pick on orphans. Let them tell their parents.
Double!
Where did Sally go during the bombing? Everywhere!
Triple!
Why did Bob cross the road? Because he wasn't wearing his seatbelt.
Billy got a bike and a soccer ball for his birthday from his uncle, but he was very upset. Why? Because he has no legs.
Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me. I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed. She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" on her forehead.
Well, the years start coming and they don't stop coming. Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running. Didn't make sense not to live for fun. Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb.
So much to do, so much to see So what's wrong with taking the back streets? You'll never know if you don't go. You'll never shine if you don't glow.
[Chorus:] Hey, now, you're an All Star, get your game on, go play Hey, now, you're a Rock Star, get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold Only shooting stars break the mold.
It's a cool place and they say it gets colder. You're bundled up now wait 'til you get older. But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture.
The ice we skate is getting pretty thin. The water's getting warm so you might as well swim. My world's on fire. How about yours? That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored.
[Chorus 2x]
Somebody once asked could I spare some change for gas. I need to get myself away from this place. I said yep, what a concept I could use a little fuel myself And we could all use a little change.
Well, the years start coming and they don't stop coming. Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running. Didn't make sense not to live for fun. Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb.
So much to do, so much to see. So what's wrong with taking the back streets? You'll never know if you don't go. You'll never shine if you don't glow.
[Chorus]
And all that glitters is gold Only shooting stars break the mold.
I told my kids to smile with the monkeys in the open zoo.
They never got together at all.
What is white, then red, and is very fast?
My chainsaw blade.
Ya make 10 paintings, you aren't an artist.
Ya make 20 meals, you aren't a chef.
But when I kill ONE PERSON, I'm a "horrible person" and a "menace to society."
I knew a girl that died from having phone sex... She died of hearing aids.
Billy: Dad, I was shot by a sniper!
Dad: Uh...
*hides his rifle*
Man: Hey Siri!
Siri: Yes?
Man: I'm desperate, will you marry me?
Siri: Uh...
*phone literally explodes*
Today was no fun. A rhino escaped from the zoo and ate two parents, and I lost my job as zookeeper.
I'd tell a slavery joke, but they've been flogged to death.
A man has the power to grant anyone a wish they want.
A kid comes up and says, "I want to be like Batman!"
The man smiles and grants his wish. The child goes home and finds that he is now an orphan.
Guy 1: How far are we going?
Guy 2: About as far as somebody's miscarriage.
What’s the difference between football and rape?
Women don’t like football.
Say what you will of pedophiles, but you can't ignore their problem with immature ejaculation.
Ever heard of a rape victim with Alzheimers? Yeah, neither have they.
What place can you always find suicidal cows at?
"McDonald's."
