Morbid jokes

What does a cannibal ask for when leaving a restaurant?

"Can I have a bodybag?"

Welcome to David's Morgue, you stab 'em, we slab 'em!

So, I am an emo dude, so I sit in the back of the class, and I talk to no one.

But one day this dude came up to me and tried to talk to me, so I just ignored him. Then he got really pissed off and said, "I'm gonna kill you." I was like, "You're gonna kill me just because I ignored you? Is your ego that big, wow?" He left. Then the next day he brought his goons with him and said, "Now you're dead." I ignored him again, and he said, "You will pay for this."

So the following day after school I was walking down the street back to my house. Then he and his goons tried to attack me, but then they died, so I kept on walking. I had some rope traps set.

This was the best day of my life.

This is why you never mess with emos. We have ropes everywhere.

Daddy, I really miss you. Mummy changed my name to Tickle Timpson. Anyway, daddy I forgive you for abusing me.

What do you call a person with cancer?

A ghost with a body.

This disabled girl started rolling after me, so I ran to the stairs. 🤣🤣 LOL

Why can't you fool an aborted fetus?

Because it wasn't born yesterday.

Why can't orphans see all these jokes on this website that we're posting?

'Cause they don't know where the home page is.

I’ve been told I’ve got a perfect cock. She sure was hard on me when I cut it off, though.

Good afternoon. My name is Russell, and I am a wilderness explorer of Tribe 54, Sweat Lodge 12. Are you in need of any assistance today, sir?

There's a new cooking programme on BBC1. The contestants are victims of domestic violence. It's called "Can't Cook... Right Hook."

Why did the Nurse bring a red pen to work? To draw Blood.

Why did the M&M go to school? To be a smartie.

Why did the monkey bring a ladder to school? To be in highschool.

Have you ever tried anal bleaching?

It really helps assholes lighten up.

My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology. I call him a hypocrite and unplug his life support. 😄😆🔥👍

My life, ha ha funny!

You know, life as a pufferfish is tough. They get startled, then they get hard.

A father is talking to his three kids.

Kid 1: Why is my name Rose?

Dad: Because when you were a kid, a rose fell on your head.

Kid 2: Why is my name Lily?

Dad: Because a lily fell on your head when you were a baby.

Kid 3: Auughhghhhggghhh!

Dad: Oh hey, Brick.

What’s the difference between grandma getting ran over by a reindeer, and a poor kid’s parents getting ran over by military tractors?

When grandma got ran over by a reindeer, the kids actually gave a sh*t.

Roses are red, My heart, my heart is dead. I have a gun straight to my head.

What’s the hardest part about f...ing toddlers?

My boner.