Morbid jokes

I’m gonna kick some gum and chew some ass... but I’m all out of ass.

Beneath this monumental stone Lise, 80 pounds of skin and bone.

When you say to your friend, "I've got your back," then at his funeral you see in his coffin he's missing his middle piece.

What is the difference between Sir Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed?

Sir Isaac Newton died a virgin.

A 98 year old man goes to bed on a one layer bed. He wakes up under it...

I saw a person raping a woman in an alleyway. I decided to help...she doesn't stand a chance between us.

How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?

Pick it up and suck it off...

*Knock Knock* Who's there? Social Services...

Junkyard dogs may be mean, but the meanest dogs are the ones guarding concentration camps.

Do nothing about people falling down the stairs, it will keep happening.

Put razor blades on the stairs, it will be their last time falling down the stairs.

One day I was walking along the street and I found some caution tape... Just sitting there torn up... Beat up, and you could barely unravel it anymore because I would just burst into shreds... It kinda reminded me of what happened to my sister's killer... They still haven’t found him yet... I’m really good at hide and seek!

I like my bread how I like my wife: cold and stiff.

Joaquin Phoenix as The Joker is like Heath Ledger if he overdosed on prescription drugs... Oh, wait. He already did.

I give props to pedophiles.

They always go slow in the school zones.

I've never seen my dad since September 11. I wonder where he is...

If you shit in a church, is it a holy shit?

Riddle me this. Riddle me that.

Why did my parents never come back?

Cut.

What’s the difference between Isaac Newton and my Dad?

Isaac Newton didn’t beat me half to death with a pipe wrench.

Yo mama so fat, she was pulled over... FOR HAVING 12 POUNDS OF CRACK ON HER!