Morbid jokes
Daughter: "I know this is weird, but I feel like someone is watching me when I am sleeping."
Father: "Sorry."
Why did Helen Keller burn her hands?
Because she was trying to read the waffle iron.
My name is Joe Biden, and I am running for US Senate.
What happens when premenstrual Raggedy Ann gets with the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.
I never knew what my dad's job was.
One day, at school, I got a scam phone call, later, I got another, and another. I finally had enough and answered the phone, but to make an impact I said "Hello?"
My dad answered...
There's 3 things I hate.
1. Jokes
2. Lists
3. Irony.
I've never seen my dad since September 11. I wonder where he is...
Do emo kids get jealous of their phone when it dies?
Ya make 10 paintings, you aren't an artist.
Ya make 20 meals, you aren't a chef.
But when I kill ONE PERSON, I'm a "horrible person" and a "menace to society."
What do birds and children have in common?
If you shoot them, they die.
There was a math teacher on a plane that crashed. What was the last thing that went through their head?
A pentagon!
(9/11 joke)
What do starving kids call Venetian blinds?
Bunk beds.
Said the man angered to his wife:
"Now stop the damn suicide tries! Just look at the gas bill!?"
What does it take to paint a wall red?
Kurt Cobain and his shotgun.
When I'm bored, I like to slap orphans. I mean, what are they gonna do, tell their parents?
October 1, 2017 is when the Mandalay Bay became the Mandalay spray. Thank Steve for that.
Q. What do you call a CEO that's been shot in the head?
A. An ambulance.
What’s the difference between an alligator and a child?
You can’t abuse an alligator.
Why did the pedo stop to help the little kids cross the street?
To get them in his van.
So you wanna play like that, ayy? Well, Sydney didn't wanna play like that either, and that's why you got arrested.