Morbid jokes
A man was forced off the Eiffel Tower, but he flew back up.
The executioners asked, "How'd you do that?"
He said, "I had magic chips. Here, take some."
They eat them, jump off, and die.
He asks for more chips, and the guy says, "You're a real a**hole when you're drunk, Superman!"
What's the opposite of Christopher Walken?
Christopher Reeve.
What do you call a person in a wheelchair?
Virgin Mobile.
Where is an elephant’s penis?
On their feet, because if you get trampled on, you’re fucked.
What is Juice WRLD's favorite restaurant?
Little Seizures.
Why do emo people want to be called scene now? The only thing I've seen from them is their suicide rate climbing.
"Namaste, 6 feet away, or I'll blow you away with this AK!"
What do birds and children have in common?
If you shoot them, they die.
Man: How tall is a penguin?
Bartender: About three foot, why?
Man: Oh shit, the Bible-bashing nuns! I fucking hit one!
Poor car.
What type of pizza did the 9/11 victims order? Two planes.
The kid with a gun walked into my classroom and fucking shot the teacher.
He pointed the gun at me and asked, "What's 2+2?" I answer him and he writes the answer down on his test. He did this with every kid. He got a 100%, expelled, and a lifetime in prison. Hey, at least he gets free food.
What's the difference between a mole and a priest?
One will till your 13 to put hairs on your face.
What's the best thing about f*cking twenty-eight-year-olds?
There's twenty of them.
"How was your day?"
"It was great."
"What was so great about it?"
"I saw a puppy."
"Awww."
"And I ran over it :)"
Imagine orphans watching Spiderman: No Way Home.
What’s an emo's favorite singer?
Slash.
Went swimming today and peed in the deep end. The lifeguard saw me and blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in.
What is the difference between a baby and a sweet potato?
About 140 calories.
People always tell me to say no to drugs, but if I'm talking to drugs, I probably said yes.
Johnny Johnny?
Yes pa pa.
Eating sugar?
Yes pa pa, I am eating sugar because it is the only thing I can reach and you have refused to feed me for the past 3 days. You smoke 2 packs of cigs a day and you're mad at me for eating a little sugar. Smoking? Telling lies? Yes pa pa, you do all of those things because you're a chronic addict.