Morbid jokes
My father said I'm too reliant on technology.
I called him a hypocrite, and unplugged his life support.
Did you know the people in the twin towers were great readers?
Yeah, they went through 80 stories in seconds.
A man driving along a country road sees a little girl crying next to a cliff. He gets out and says, "Aw, what's the matter little girl?"
She points off the cliff, and at the bottom is the family car, burning with everyone inside, all mangled and dead.
The man unbuckles his pants and says, "Little girl, today just ain't your day."
What do you call sex in the World Trade Center?
An inside job.
People always said that if you killed a murderer, there would be the same number of murderers. Why stop at one?
Why can’t dinosaurs clap?
Because they're dead.
Just got an iPhone 12 for my brother, best trade I've ever made.
What do teen mothers and their unborn babies have in common?
They're both thinking "Oh my God, my mom's gonna kill me!"
Whoever kills Hitler goes to heaven. Oh, wait... nevermind...
Things to kids:
Dragapult: "Ooh, look! Some ammo."
A Good Parent: "My baby!"
Michael Jackson: (HeeHee)
My Smoothie Ingredients: - Bananas - Strawberry - The Blood of my ex - Peanut Butter
A feminist walks into a bar. Her friend says, "Oh my god, your shoulders are broad!" Another woman says, "Are you sure it's a woman?"
what do you call a terrorist attack in india?
a wednesday.
How many babies does it take to shingle a roof? Depends on how thin you slice them. -Hope Marie Lawson
If I were an object in this world, I'd be a glass! Because if you leave me when I'm too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.
If I was a pizza topping, I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.
I'm a star! Because one of these days, I'm going to crash and burn...
If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die, I'd be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.
I'm like the sun; I'm painful to look at.
If I was a food, I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.
I'm like an eggshell... broken and empty.
If I was a mythical creature, I'd be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.
I'm like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.
My soul is a raisin because it's dried up, shriveled, and not everyone likes it.
I'm like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.
I'm like the moon because as the month progresses, my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.
I'm like an extremely powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.
I'm like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.
I'm like a shitty book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.
My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can't afford to go through with the divorce, and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape, but the more they try, the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety.
Help me....
I'm telling my kids that in 2020 I survived world war 3, the zombie apocalypse, the invasion of the murder hornets, and the second American revolution.
Abortion, it really brings out the kid in you.
These jokes are so dark that their life matters.
My grandpa told me I was too dependent on devices. I told him he was a hypocrite and unplugged him from his life support.
What did the Hiroshima survivor say about the day Little Boy dropped? "It was a blast!"