Morbid jokes
My Smoothie Ingredients: - Bananas - Strawberry - The Blood of my ex - Peanut Butter
what do you call a terrorist attack in india?
a wednesday.
How many babies does it take to shingle a roof? Depends on how thin you slice them. -Hope Marie Lawson
Abortion, it really brings out the kid in you.
My grandpa told me I was too dependent on devices. I told him he was a hypocrite and unplugged him from his life support.
What did the Hiroshima survivor say about the day Little Boy dropped? "It was a blast!"
My Asian girlfriend has a weird name. As I gave her anal, she was yelling "I'm too young."
I nailed my sister's... picture on the wall.
You dirty-minded bastard!
If I were an object in this world, I'd be a glass! Because if you leave me when I'm too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.
If I was a pizza topping, I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.
I'm a star! Because one of these days, I'm going to crash and burn...
If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die, I'd be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.
I'm like the sun; I'm painful to look at.
If I was a food, I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.
I'm like an eggshell... broken and empty.
If I was a mythical creature, I'd be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.
I'm like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.
My soul is a raisin because it's dried up, shriveled, and not everyone likes it.
I'm like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.
I'm like the moon because as the month progresses, my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.
I'm like an extremely powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.
I'm like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.
I'm like a shitty book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.
My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can't afford to go through with the divorce, and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape, but the more they try, the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety.
Help me....
What’s the best part about putting a baby in a blender feet first?
Watching their expression change.
British MP Sally Ann Hart has filed for divorce citing sexual unfulfillment.
Her husband couldn't fuck her the way her stupidity could.
How many beaten children does it take to change a light bulb for a drunken father?
Apparently not enough to impress him.
What do you call a prostitute with a major in math?
The thot that counts.
What did the orphan say to his parents? Nothing, cause they left him.
Teacher: "People with depression never get anywhere in life."
Student 1: "My mom has depression, but she died."
Student 2: "My sister has depression and she's going to therapy."
Student 3: "My dad has depression, and he's doing REALLY well."
What does a phone and a grandma have in common? They both die.
What's the difference between them? If you shove something up your grandma's ass, she won't come back to life.
I like my women the way I like my coffee, and I don't drink coffee.
What did the baby cow say to the mommy cow when he saw a hamburger?
"Mommy, is that Uncle Joe?"
Crucifixion was the first T-pose.
"I bought my little sister a trampoline for her birthday, but all she wants to do is sit in her wheelchair and cry."