Morbid jokes
What to say to a single guy who's insulting you: "Shut up, you horny virgin!"
Why did the condom cross the road?
Because he was pissed off.
My grandpa's last words were, "Why is there a body in my kitchen?"
No witnesses.
My favorite website.
pornhub.com
Why is a pro fighter like a fisher?
They both can throw a hook.
What is yellow and does not float well?
A school bus.
Grandpa's last words: "Why do you have a chainsaw?"
I was making a bet with my grandfather about who would die first. I said that I would die first.
He said "Bet" and died after he drank his coffee.
He was my least favorite grandparent.
What song do you think was playing at the school?
"Pumped Up Kicks"
I remember my grandad's last words: "Are you still holding the ladder?"
What is the difference between an orphan and an apple?
Well, at least one gets picked.
What is the difference between a plane and a helicopter?
A plane hits a building, but a helicopter hits the floor.
I saw a little kid on their bike before. So I ran home to see if it was mine. Mine was still chained up, so we’re good.
I went to a sleepover at my best friend's house. He lives with his grandpa and little brother, his mom and dad. His little brother likes to run around the house naked sometimes. I can't help but notice his grandpa always looks up when he does.
A mom gave her son "the talk". Her son replies, "Wait, so there really isn't candy involved? Guess Grandpa lied."
Wife is texting husband:
"Honey, if I give you 300 dollars, will you stop being blind?"
Husband: "seilghsielguG"
Wife: "Seriously, David?"
Husband: "fuweyadb"
Why did the old man fall into the well? He couldn't see that well.
What gets louder as it gets smaller?
A baby in a trash compactor.
What's the difference between a trampoline and a baby? I take my shoes off when I jump on a trampoline.