Morbid jokes
How does a paedophile know if he's good at sex?
It'll forever be a mystery because the victims [are] too young to scream his name.
Deeeeeertt.
What do you call your sister who only has one leg?
Ei-lean.
When Steven Hawking realizes heaven is only a stairway away.
My family chastises me for MY job, but you should hear how my family provides "customer service" at their jobs. My mother works as a social worker and answers the phone like, "DYFS, you beat em, we treat em." My grandmother is a Medical Examiner and she answers the phone like, "City Morgue, you kill em, we chill em." These bitches have no class! I'm an actress and studio secretary. When you call the studio, I answer the phone professionally like, "Good afternoon. IHOP, International House Of Pussy. Creampie Cassie speaking."
When I was acting up, my mother used to tell me, "I brought you into this world, and I will take you out. I gave you life, and I can also take it." So my son was acting up and talking back to me. Now I'm being charged with murder. I don't understand. I thought it was okay to kill your own kids.
What does a cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?
He wipes his butt.
What is 1 + 1?
They didn’t tell me. Their stomach is upset.
Mufasa is proof that cats don't always land on their feet.
See, morbid humor is just like water, not everyone gets it.
A hot girl wants to commit suicide and jump from a bridge when an ugly, smelly, homeless weirdo walks up to her. And he says, "Hey you hot babe, let's fuck." She just answers, "Get the fuck away you ugly bastard." The guy just laughs and says, "Alright, I'll wait down there."
What’s the difference between football and rape?
Women don’t like football.
What’s loud, red and goes at 200mph?
Paul Walker’s Porsche.
What is long and not hairy?
The conga line in the cancer department.
My dad died in 9/11. He was such a good pilot.
Slavery has existed in the western world for 3 centuries, but in the Arab regions it has existed before and is still going on, so why don’t people talk about it?
Because it’s only bad when white people do it.
Why can’t Asians play baseball?
Because they can’t see the ball.
Have you heard about the new Russian STD? Rottsmikokov.
A little girl walks into the bathroom and sees her mom naked taking a shower and asks, "Mommy, mommy, when am I gonna get breasts?" Mom says, "Oh, when you're 12 or 13." The little girl looks down and see’s her pubes and asks, "Mommy, mommy, when am I gonna get hair down there?" Mom says, "Oh, about the same time you get breasts."
Then the little girl walks in and sees her dad sitting on the bed with a hard on and asks, "Daddy, daddy, when am I gonna get one of those?" Dad says, "Soon as your mom leaves for work."
Anyone got any good Floyd jokes? I really need them to take my breath away.