Morbid jokes
What is yellow and does not float well?
A school bus.
Grandpa's last words: "Why do you have a chainsaw?"
I was making a bet with my grandfather about who would die first. I said that I would die first.
He said "Bet" and died after he drank his coffee.
He was my least favorite grandparent.
What song do you think was playing at the school?
"Pumped Up Kicks"
I remember my grandad's last words: "Are you still holding the ladder?"
What is the difference between an orphan and an apple?
Well, at least one gets picked.
What is the difference between a plane and a helicopter?
A plane hits a building, but a helicopter hits the floor.
I saw a little kid on their bike before. So I ran home to see if it was mine. Mine was still chained up, so we’re good.
I went to a sleepover at my best friend's house. He lives with his grandpa and little brother, his mom and dad. His little brother likes to run around the house naked sometimes. I can't help but notice his grandpa always looks up when he does.
A mom gave her son "the talk". Her son replies, "Wait, so there really isn't candy involved? Guess Grandpa lied."
Wife is texting husband:
"Honey, if I give you 300 dollars, will you stop being blind?"
Husband: "seilghsielguG"
Wife: "Seriously, David?"
Husband: "fuweyadb"
Why did the old man fall into the well? He couldn't see that well.
What gets louder as it gets smaller?
A baby in a trash compactor.
What's the difference between a trampoline and a baby? I take my shoes off when I jump on a trampoline.
What does a rock and a girl have in common?
The flat ones get skipped.
What’s the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?
A prostitute only has one crack, and has to wash it and sell it again.
What do you get when you cross a Cuban and corrupt dictator, Fidel Castro?
First Date: HE: "I work with animals every day!" SHE: "Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?" HE: "I’m a butcher." SHE: "Perfect! I work with humans, I just kill them by cutting them up!"
HE: "So it's you in the newspaper?" SHE: "Yes, it was, wanna be next?" HE: "No!"
In Israel, they chop convicted rapists' balls off. Sure glad I don't live in Israel.
"Number 15: Burger King foot lettuce. The last thing you want in your Burger King burger is someone's foot fungus, but as it turns out, that might be what you get."