Morbid Jokes

A wife is like a grenade. Pull the ring and the house is gone.

Remember, kids: the school shooter can't get you if YOU are the shooter.

What do you call an autistic kid with a gun?

Special forces.

My dad died the other day, but I was able to hear his last words: "Son, are you still holding the ladder?"

Alex: Dad, can we get me a little brother from the orphanage?

Dad: Sure, Alex! We're here!

Orphanage manager: Alex! You are so big now!

Alex: Dad, what is she talking about?!

My brother wanted to go fishing. I told him he had to learn how to "master bait". Go look it up on YouTube. Guess who is grounded?

What's the worst thing to star in?

An amber alert.

when Ted Bundy found out he was getting the death penalty, he was pretty shocked...

What's the difference between an American school and a shooting range?

My dick doesn't get hard at the shooting range.

I cried when my dad was chopping onions. Onions was a good dog.

A guy walks into a bar with a 44 magnum and says, "Who the fuck's been fucking my wife?" The room goes silent. The guy in the back finishes his beer and says, "You ain't got enough bullets."

How do you win an argument against a emo? kick the chair.

I’m not racist. I just have black guns.

I heard World War 500000 in my parents'.

A man and his friend walk into a bar on a 30-story building and order a drink of beer. Then one of the men jumps out the window and he can fly, so he says to his mate, "Gary, take a sip of this drink, it makes you fly!" So Gary takes a sip of the drink, jumps out the window, and dies. And the bartender says, "Gee, Superman, you're a douche when you drink!"

I gave a blind kid a gun and told him it was a hairdryer.

My little sister called my name a few minutes after I put her to bed. She told me that there was something in her closet. I checked the closet and told her there was nothing there, but told her she could still sleep in my room with me. I was thinking that was the best way to get her out of the room before he noticed I saw him.