Jonny went to school one day, and later that day his dad got a call saying he needed to pick up his son because he had had sex with a teacher. When Jonny got home, his dad was so happy he went out to the store and bought him a bike. When they bought the bike, Jonny was offered to ride the bike, but he declined it and replied, "My butt still hurts."
Morbid Jokes
A man drinks beer and jumps off a tower, and he's okay. The other guy says, "Whoa, how'd you do that?"
He does it again, so the guy gets a beer, the same beer, and jumps off. He died.
The bartender looks at the original man who jumped off and says, "Superman, you're a real butthole whenever you're drunk."
You'd think the Catholic Church would be thankful for condoms, less DNA evidence.
A guy walks to his friend's house. His friend says, "Where is your girlfriend?" The guy says, "Meet me at the cemetery in a week."
Why do midgets work at Tesco?
Because every little helps.
After work, I volunteer to help blind children. Verb, not adjective.
I saw my wife at the dam yesterday. Drat. I was hoping she might float a bit more downstream.
What talks high pitched and can't fly?
A gay man in Iran.
I keep looking for my girlfriend's killer, but no one wants to do it.
Q: What can turn a fruit into a vegetable?
A: AIDS.
So um uh I like people who like people who like people.
I called the Chinese takeaway yesterday. A man picked up the phone and said: "Hello! I am Wan Kin, the chef." I said that I'll come back later.
Bored.
What do you call 2 homeless people throwing rocks at each other? "Pillow Fight!"
I was going to go hunting but then I realized, schools are closed due to covid.
I remember when I was at a funeral at the age of 6. I was with my grandma and asked, "Grandma, Grandma, why is that man in a box?"
And she says, "He's in a better place now." I look at her confused and ask, "What kind of box did he live in before?! How is this box better than the last one?! It's just a box!"
And to this day I am still not allowed to go to funerals.
What do U.S. airstrikes and dark humor have in common?
They're normally pointed towards Africa and the Middle East.
What is a kidnapper's favorite shoe?
White Vans.
(Wait, forgot about the 3rd third thing.) I have said this countless times, but it doesn't seem to be getting through to you: quit hating on particular jokes. You don't like it? Nobody cares. Don't go into the morbid jokes category, you idiots, ffs!
I have two things I wanna say:
1. When people swear, stop taking it so fucking literally. If someone calls you a bitch, they're not calling you a female dog. If they call you a cunt, they're not calling you a woman's private part, they are calling you either an idiot, scaredy cat/baby, or something along those lines, ffs.
2. wtf
