Morbid jokes

The cemetery is so overcrowded.

People are just dying to get in.

Roses are red, violets are violet.

My grandad died in 9/11. He was a good pilot.

What if little Johnny was doing drugs?

"Johnny, Johnny?"

"Yes, Papa?"

"Eating sugar?"

"No, Papa..."

People in plays say that everyone's life is a drama, but mine's a tragedy.

Did you hear about the school shooting joke? Well, I won't tell you it's aimed at a younger audience.

Jon said: What do you call a pregnant woman?

Mike said: I don’t know, what?

Jon said: Kinder surprise.

I hate child murderers, they're always so high-pitched.

What's the motto for a pizza place that's also an abortion clinic: Your loss is our sauce.

I walked to the milk store and did not see my dad.

What’s red and very rare?

A baby in a blender.

Jonny went to school one day, and later that day his dad got a call saying he needed to pick up his son because he had had sex with a teacher. When Jonny got home, his dad was so happy he went out to the store and bought him a bike. When they bought the bike, Jonny was offered to ride the bike, but he declined it and replied, "My butt still hurts."

A man drinks beer and jumps off a tower, and he's okay. The other guy says, "Whoa, how'd you do that?"

He does it again, so the guy gets a beer, the same beer, and jumps off. He died.

The bartender looks at the original man who jumped off and says, "Superman, you're a real butthole whenever you're drunk."

You'd think the Catholic Church would be thankful for condoms, less DNA evidence.

A guy walks to his friend's house. His friend says, "Where is your girlfriend?" The guy says, "Meet me at the cemetery in a week."

Why do midgets work at Tesco?

Because every little helps.

After work, I volunteer to help blind children. Verb, not adjective.

I saw my wife at the dam yesterday. Drat. I was hoping she might float a bit more downstream.

What talks high pitched and can't fly?

A gay man in Iran.

I keep looking for my girlfriend's killer, but no one wants to do it.

Q: What can turn a fruit into a vegetable?

A: AIDS.