Morbid jokes
Did you hear about the school shooting joke? Well, I won't tell you it's aimed at a younger audience.
Jon said: What do you call a pregnant woman?
Mike said: I don’t know, what?
Jon said: Kinder surprise.
I hate child murderers, they're always so high-pitched.
What's the motto for a pizza place that's also an abortion clinic: Your loss is our sauce.
I walked to the milk store and did not see my dad.
What’s red and very rare?
A baby in a blender.
Jonny went to school one day, and later that day his dad got a call saying he needed to pick up his son because he had had sex with a teacher. When Jonny got home, his dad was so happy he went out to the store and bought him a bike. When they bought the bike, Jonny was offered to ride the bike, but he declined it and replied, "My butt still hurts."
A man drinks beer and jumps off a tower, and he's okay. The other guy says, "Whoa, how'd you do that?"
He does it again, so the guy gets a beer, the same beer, and jumps off. He died.
The bartender looks at the original man who jumped off and says, "Superman, you're a real butthole whenever you're drunk."
You'd think the Catholic Church would be thankful for condoms, less DNA evidence.
A guy walks to his friend's house. His friend says, "Where is your girlfriend?" The guy says, "Meet me at the cemetery in a week."
Why do midgets work at Tesco?
Because every little helps.
After work, I volunteer to help blind children. Verb, not adjective.
I saw my wife at the dam yesterday. Drat. I was hoping she might float a bit more downstream.
What talks high pitched and can't fly?
A gay man in Iran.
I keep looking for my girlfriend's killer, but no one wants to do it.
Q: What can turn a fruit into a vegetable?
A: AIDS.
So um uh I like people who like people who like people.
I called the Chinese takeaway yesterday. A man picked up the phone and said: "Hello! I am Wan Kin, the chef." I said that I'll come back later.
Bored.
What do you call 2 homeless people throwing rocks at each other? "Pillow Fight!"