Morbid jokes

Jonny went to school one day, and later that day his dad got a call saying he needed to pick up his son because he had had sex with a teacher. When Jonny got home, his dad was so happy he went out to the store and bought him a bike. When they bought the bike, Jonny was offered to ride the bike, but he declined it and replied, "My butt still hurts."

A man drinks beer and jumps off a tower, and he's okay. The other guy says, "Whoa, how'd you do that?"

He does it again, so the guy gets a beer, the same beer, and jumps off. He died.

The bartender looks at the original man who jumped off and says, "Superman, you're a real butthole whenever you're drunk."

You'd think the Catholic Church would be thankful for condoms, less DNA evidence.

A guy walks to his friend's house. His friend says, "Where is your girlfriend?" The guy says, "Meet me at the cemetery in a week."

Why do midgets work at Tesco?

Because every little helps.

After work, I volunteer to help blind children. Verb, not adjective.

I saw my wife at the dam yesterday. Drat. I was hoping she might float a bit more downstream.

What talks high pitched and can't fly?

A gay man in Iran.

I keep looking for my girlfriend's killer, but no one wants to do it.

Q: What can turn a fruit into a vegetable?

A: AIDS.

So um uh I like people who like people who like people.

I called the Chinese takeaway yesterday. A man picked up the phone and said: "Hello! I am Wan Kin, the chef." I said that I'll come back later.

Bored.

What do you call 2 homeless people throwing rocks at each other? "Pillow Fight!"

I was going to go hunting but then I realized, schools are closed due to covid.

I remember when I was at a funeral at the age of 6. I was with my grandma and asked, "Grandma, Grandma, why is that man in a box?"

And she says, "He's in a better place now." I look at her confused and ask, "What kind of box did he live in before?! How is this box better than the last one?! It's just a box!"

And to this day I am still not allowed to go to funerals.

What do U.S. airstrikes and dark humor have in common?

They're normally pointed towards Africa and the Middle East.

What is a kidnapper's favorite shoe?

White Vans.

(Wait, forgot about the 3rd third thing.) I have said this countless times, but it doesn't seem to be getting through to you: quit hating on particular jokes. You don't like it? Nobody cares. Don't go into the morbid jokes category, you idiots, ffs!

I have two things I wanna say:

1. When people swear, stop taking it so fucking literally. If someone calls you a bitch, they're not calling you a female dog. If they call you a cunt, they're not calling you a woman's private part, they are calling you either an idiot, scaredy cat/baby, or something along those lines, ffs.

2. wtf