Morbid jokes

My dad asked, "Where are you going?"

Me: "Back to the orphanage."

Mom! I think that dad is sleeping.

Mom: No, honey, I killed him.

What do you call someone with an extra chromosome winning in a pool?

Posiedown.

What did Jenny get for her birthday after a car accident?

An amputation.

Why did Billy drop his ice cream?

'Cause he got hit by a bus.

I'd tell you a joke about unemployed people, but none of them work.

I hate it when people are at my house and ask, "Do you have a bathroom?" What answer are they expecting? "No, we pee in the yard?"

My great grandfather died in 9/11.

He was an amazing pilot.

A man was hitting a woman with his d*ck. Someone ran up to the man and said, "That's domestic violence!" The man replied with, "No, it's not domestic violence, it's dumbass-d*ck violence!"

There's no "I" in team, but there is a "U" in cunt.

What does a phone and a grandma have in common? They both die.

What's the difference between them? If you shove something up your grandma's ass, she won't come back to life.

What is red, green, lies in a ditch, and is covered in cookie crumbs?

...A girl scout that got hit by a car.

They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, well not if it's poisoned.

Then the antidote becomes the most important.

I was up all night because my neighbors were having sex.

*I was actually up all night watching.*

God creating cats.

GOD: Make the most fluffy cute thing you can think of.

ANGEL: Ok.......................................anything else?

GOD: YES, PUT RAZOR BLADES ON ITS FEET!!!!!!!!

I gave my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. Next week he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.

A starving homeless kid asks me for food.

I said, "sorry, my plate is full."

What's the POINT in stabbing people?

HAHAHA

I'd make 9/11 jokes, but they'd just crash and burn.

Knock knock!

Who’s there?

Dad!

Dad who?

Silence.