Morbid jokes
What does a phone and a grandma have in common? They both die.
What's the difference between them? If you shove something up your grandma's ass, she won't come back to life.
What is red, green, lies in a ditch, and is covered in cookie crumbs?
...A girl scout that got hit by a car.
They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, well not if it's poisoned.
Then the antidote becomes the most important.
I was up all night because my neighbors were having sex.
*I was actually up all night watching.*
God creating cats.
GOD: Make the most fluffy cute thing you can think of.
ANGEL: Ok.......................................anything else?
GOD: YES, PUT RAZOR BLADES ON ITS FEET!!!!!!!!
I gave my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. Next week he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.
A starving homeless kid asks me for food.
I said, "sorry, my plate is full."
What's the POINT in stabbing people?
HAHAHA
I'd make 9/11 jokes, but they'd just crash and burn.
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Dad!
Dad who?
Silence.
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Dad!
Dad who?
*Silence*
When Chinese babies are born, they should put "MADE FROM CHINA."
What colors were Kurt Cobain's eyes? Blue! One blew right and the other blew up!
What is a cannibal's favorite food?
Crackers.
My girlfriend lives a few miles away from me.
The other night, she called me at around 3 AM. She was terrified. She said that there were two armed gunmen in her apartment.
With all that adrenaline going through my system, it made it hard to go back to sleep.
What do apples and witches have in common? They both hang on trees.
These two guys were at a bar flirting with these girls. The guy says, "Are you a parking ticket, 'cause you got fine written all over you?"
The girl turns and says, "How about you pay for them, and then I can pay you back with me getting all over you?"
What's the difference between an air blower and Little Boy?
When the air blower blew, it did not wipe out Hiroshima.
"How was your day?"
"It was great."
"What was so great about it?"
"I saw a puppy."
"Awww."
"And I ran over it :)"
Me and my brother were called the twin towers. My brother lived up to his title after the plane crash.