Morbid jokes
A duck walks into a bar and says, "Got any bread?"
The bartender says, "No bread here."
And then the duck says, "Got any bread?"
And the bartender says, "Didn't I just f***ing say that there was no bread here?"
And the duck says, "Got any bread?!"
And the bartender says, "You stupid duck! Or should I say d***? There's no bread here. Don't make me say that again, or I'll pin you to the wall with a nail."
So the duck says, "Got any nails?"
And then the bartender looks surprised, and says, "Of course I've got f***ing nails. Can't you see them?"
And the duck says, "Got any bread?"
And the bartender throws the duck out of the bar.
What do you call a deaf animal?
Anything, it can't hear you.
So I ran into my specialist doctor, and he said, "Pick a star sign, any star sign." So I said, "Capricorn," and he said, "Nah, you got cancer."
If you shit in a church, is it a holy shit?
How do you know if an Asian has been in your house?
Your dog's gone.
Your finances are done.
And your floaties.
A man ordered a washing machine because his old one stopped working. As soon as the man opened his new washing machine, he immediately rejoiced because there was a woman inside. Without hesitation, the man yelled, "FREE DISHWASHER!"
I speak for the trees.
*Trees whisper in my ear*
They said six million wasn't enough.
My sister's boyfriend is mad because I fucked his girl.
qestrrrr.
I give props to pedophiles.
They always go slow in the school zones.
What do you get when you mix up a group of emos?
Suicide squad.
What is the scariest thing you'll ever see in your life? James Charles thinking he has rights.
A man goes into heaven and there he meets Jesus. He asks Jesus what that broken clock is there for. Jesus says, "That is Mother Teresa's clock, it has never moved because she has never lied." "There is Abraham Lincoln's clock. He has lied twice so it has moved twice." "Where is Donald Trump's?" asks the man. Jesus answers, "It is in my office, I am using it as a ceiling fan."
Ur dad is mad.
Q: Why did the chef get fired?
A: He took cooking advice from Hitler!
Guy 1: What's your favorite vegetable?
Guy 2: Stephen Hawking.
Do you want to know how to make a Smurf? CHOKE A MIDGET!
5 Little Monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell off and bumped his head. Momma called the doctor and the doctor said... "Wait, why are there mines all over the floor?"
Q: How do you make a fire?
A: Oil and dead babies.
How many time does it take to cook a baby in a microwave?
I don’t know, I can’t count while masturbating.