How do you know if an Asian has been in your house?
Your dog's gone.
Your finances are done.
And your floaties.
Morbid Jokes
A man ordered a washing machine because his old one stopped working. As soon as the man opened his new washing machine, he immediately rejoiced because there was a woman inside. Without hesitation, the man yelled, "FREE DISHWASHER!"
I speak for the trees.
*Trees whisper in my ear*
They said six million wasn't enough.
My sister's boyfriend is mad because I fucked his girl.
qestrrrr.
I give props to pedophiles.
They always go slow in the school zones.
What do you get when you mix up a group of emos?
Suicide squad.
What is the scariest thing you'll ever see in your life? James Charles thinking he has rights.
A man goes into heaven and there he meets Jesus. He asks Jesus what that broken clock is there for. Jesus says, "That is Mother Teresa's clock, it has never moved because she has never lied." "There is Abraham Lincoln's clock. He has lied twice so it has moved twice." "Where is Donald Trump's?" asks the man. Jesus answers, "It is in my office, I am using it as a ceiling fan."
Ur dad is mad.
Q: Why did the chef get fired?
A: He took cooking advice from Hitler!
Guy 1: What's your favorite vegetable?
Guy 2: Stephen Hawking.
Do you want to know how to make a Smurf? CHOKE A MIDGET!
5 Little Monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell off and bumped his head. Momma called the doctor and the doctor said... "Wait, why are there mines all over the floor?"
Q: How do you make a fire?
A: Oil and dead babies.
How many time does it take to cook a baby in a microwave?
I don’t know, I can’t count while masturbating.
Me: Opens the window to get some fresh air.
Everyone else on the plane: 😟...😱
Aunt: On the internet, buying weight loss pills for 15 dollars.
Niece: I found that show on Netflix that you wanted to watch. It's 3 dollars to watch.
Aunt: I'm not paying for that shit.
Niece: Yet you sit there and buy weight loss pills.
Are you a mirror, because I see myself in you?
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed.
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said,
"Why the heck were my children jumping on a bed?"
