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Money

Money jokes

Teacher: “If you got ten dollars from ten people, what would you have?”

Johnny: “A new bike!”

Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid.

Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime. Little Johnny always takes the nickel.

One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, “Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don’t you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel’s bigger?”

Johnny grins and says, “Well, if I took the dime, they’d stop doing it, and so far I’ve made $20!”

My girlfriend left me for spending my own money. I buy this bitch thousands upon thousands of dollars worth of stuff, but I spend 100 dollars on a prostitute, she leaves me.

I got fired from my job at the bank today.

An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I try and try every day, but 5 keep coming out. There's so money at this point my walls are built of babies.

Raaj went up to his mom and said, "I bet you 10 dollars I can disappear." Then he turned off the lights.

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    • If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I'd be broke.

    One day my mom told me not to be an actor. I said, "But mommy, I will make a lot of money!"

    When you find out the stripper you're banging is a hooker, but you're saving money, so it's okay.

    The IRS hates when you don't have to pay your taxes with this one mind-blowing trick.

    The orphan wanted to call home sick, but there was no one.

    The orphan went to school to have food, but there was no money in his account.

    So a lady was walking down the street with two bags, and one of the bags was leaking $100 bills. A cop pulls up and he says, “Ma’am, ma’am, your bag is leaking hundred dollar bills.” Then she says, “Oh, thank you. I wonder how long that’s been going on.” And the cop says, “Before I help you, may I ask why your bag is leaking $100 bills?” And the lady says, “OK, I’ll tell you. So I live next to a stadium, and I have this beautiful rose garden, but these dumb teenagers always try and pee on the rosebushes. So they stick their junk through the fence, and I grab their junk. I said, ‘$100 dollars or it’s coming off.’” The cop says, “Oh, OK, well what’s the other bag for?” And she says, “Well, not all of them want to give me $100.”