Money jokes
I got fired from my job at the bank today.
An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I try and try every day, but 5 keep coming out. There's so money at this point my walls are built of babies.
Why did the prostitute lose all her money?
Because she got f*cked.
Your mum... payed other people to take you!!!!
Are you free tomorrow?
No, I’m expensive, sorry. 💵💸
If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I’d be broke.
Raaj went up to his mom and said, "I bet you 10 dollars I can disappear." Then he turned off the lights.
I gave an emo kid money.
He gave me the great depression.
If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I'd be broke.
One day my mom told me not to be an actor. I said, "But mommy, I will make a lot of money!"
How do women make you a millionaire?
When you're a billionaire.
What do my cock and money have in common?
Your mom.
When you find out the stripper you're banging is a hooker, but you're saving money, so it's okay.
The IRS hates when you don't have to pay your taxes with this one mind-blowing trick.
The orphan wanted to call home sick, but there was no one.
The orphan went to school to have food, but there was no money in his account.
So a lady was walking down the street with two bags, and one of the bags was leaking $100 bills. A cop pulls up and he says, “Ma’am, ma’am, your bag is leaking hundred dollar bills.” Then she says, “Oh, thank you. I wonder how long that’s been going on.” And the cop says, “Before I help you, may I ask why your bag is leaking $100 bills?” And the lady says, “OK, I’ll tell you. So I live next to a stadium, and I have this beautiful rose garden, but these dumb teenagers always try and pee on the rosebushes. So they stick their junk through the fence, and I grab their junk. I said, ‘$100 dollars or it’s coming off.’” The cop says, “Oh, OK, well what’s the other bag for?” And she says, “Well, not all of them want to give me $100.”
What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination? HAAAAND EEEEEEEEEYYYYEEE!
What’s better than Ted Danson? Ted singing and Danson!
What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business!
What does a baby computer call his father? Data!
What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!
Why did the golfer change his pants? Because he got a hole in one!
Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is.”
Q: What does a dead prostitute and a swimming pool have in common?
A: They're both cold when you first get in, but warm up after a few strokes.
"Prostitutes love their jobs; they're always having a blast!"
When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 and 976 numbers, he doesn't get charged. He holds up the phone, and money falls out.