Mishap jokes
There was this intern that worked at an orphanage, and she burnt it down. Luckily, she doesn't have to tell her parents.
Did you hear about the man who backed into a meat grinder?
I guess you could say... he was a little behind on his work.
I did phone sex, but I'll never do it again because last time my penis got stuck in the charging cord.
A happy mother: "Why is your sister so quiet?! And how did you get super glue stuck on your penis?!"
When your mom tries to hit you with the belt but misses and hits herself... #victoryroyale
My friend dreamed of being a porno star.
He did it for 3 months and decided it was not for him.
The next job he got was pumping petrol. Halfway through filling up, he pulled the hose out and started spraying all over the car!
How did Stephen Hawking die?
He rolled too far away from the outlet on the wall.
Why did Paul Walker drown?
Because he was too busy carpooling.
There was a Cheerio that had a job. He worked hard at it, and the boss came up and promoted him to the vice president of the Cheerios. So he needed a speech. He kept practicing and practicing and now he was thirsty. It was almost time for his speech, so he went to the drinking fountain, but there was a huge line. So he went to the lake, but he saw tons of garbage and what he thought was a cereal killer. So he found this bowl of punch, but he realized... there was no punchline.
So I was sitting at a bar, right? That fucking waitress came again, and guess what? She brought the wrong drinks again. So I send her away to get the correct drinks. And she came back again, with the wrong drinks!! Obviously, she was retarded. Anyways that's the story about how I met your mother.
There's four people on a roof: a Mexican, an Asian, a black guy, and a white guy. The Mexican walks over to the ledge and says, "This is for my people," and jumps off. The Asian also walks over to the ledge and says, "This is for my people," and jumps off. Then, the black guy walks over to the edge and says, "This is for my people," and pushes the white guy off.
Me and my friend were duck hunting.
He shot 5 ducks in one shot. Then he shot by accident and yelled "DUCK!" then "MOTHERDUCKER!" Then ducks came down and one by one bit him.
Why did Timmy drop his ice cream? He got hit by a bus.
So a blind guy walks into a bar, and a table, and a chair.
Why couldn’t little Susie stay on the swing?
She had no arms.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Not Susie.
I put glue in a man :)
Why is Ronan's forehead the size of Jupiter? Because he dropped the TV on his forehead. It also had rings.
Why is Jupiter's ring stuck in orbit? Because Ronan's forehead kept it stuck in orbit.
Snails are like sperm, slow and sloppy.
Two men are hunting. One asks: "Did you ever hunt bear?" The other one answers: "No, but one time I went fishing in my shorts."
Stephen Hawking's death was simply an accident. He pressed power off instead of sleep mode.
Why did the boy drop his ice cream?
He got hit by a bus.