Life is like a dick, it just gets hard for no reason.
Why can't you kill a depressed person?
Because they are already dead inside.
What do people have a shot at when it comes to love? Shooting them in the heart.
Are you my pantry? Because you look like a snack ;)
Little Johnny's sister, Suzy, sees her mom in the shower and asks, "What is that between your legs?" Her mom responds, "That is my garage." The next day, Suzy sees her dad in the shower and says, "What is that between your legs?" Her dad answers, "It is a motorcycle that gets parked in mommy's garage." The next day, Suzy came to dinner with blood all over her hands. Her mom asks, "Why is there blood all over your hands, Suzy?" Suzy says, "Well... little Johnny tried to put his motorcycle in my garage, so I ripped its wheels off."
Why did the girl study in the tree? She wanted a higher education.
When I hit a home run, I finally felt what it was like to have a home.
My life is like a broken pencil, it's pointless.
Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end, the faster it goes, and everyone is trying to shit on ya.
Life is like a box of chocolates, they f*cking melt :)
Life is like a penis. Long, free, flowing, and soft, until a woman comes and makes it hard. 😉
I've never worn my gay sweater, it hasn't come out of the closet yet.
My future is so bright, I need a flashlight to see where I'm going.
A mom and her son are taking a walk when they pass a homeless man fapping. The boy asks, "What is that man doing?" The mom says, "Making pizza," trying to turn him away.
The son sees a dog fucking another dog and he asks the same thing. She says, "Making extra cheese." When they pass a window and see a couple doing it, he asks the same thing. She says, "Ordering the pizza."
Later that day, the mother says to the father, "I think I want to order some pizza with extra cheese tonight, don't know why that sounds good."
So that night, the husband who was watching tv yelled up the stairs, "Wanna order some pizza!?"
The mother replied, "DON'T WORRY I'M MAKING SOME!"
The son's voice followed, "I'M ADDING EXTRA CHEESE!"
Why do ghosts love elevators? They lift their spirits!
I'm a fast reader, I can go through 20 stories in a few seconds.
How do poets say hello?
Hey, haven’t we metaphor?
I don't get why cancer is so hard to beat. I'm already on stage 4.
I'm like a broken refrigerator, cool but broken inside.
What's the difference between a maze and a depressed life? One of them you can find a way out of.
