Medicine jokes
I get knocked down, but I get up again, as long as I have 46 chromosomes.
Time heals all wounds. Unless you have AIDS, when time kills you slowly and painfully.
Fat person: "Hey, what's up?"
Friend: "Your blood pressure!"
Why are there no chemists in Africa?
Because you can’t take tablets on an empty stomach.
Mom: Wake up!
Me: No, I'm too disappointed and I have a headache...
Mom: Why are you disappointed?
Me: I took 12 random pills and I still woke up...
Q: What is the most expensive haircut? A: Chemo therapy.
Doctor: I'm sorry, but your surgery will cost a lot of money.
Buuuuut what's this behind your ear?
Oh, it's still cancer.
What do priests and doctors have in common?
They both do physicals on kids.
Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doctor, when should I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you!
A lady sees a doctor about a tummy ache. After her check up, the Doctor said, “Looks like you’ll be needing nappies in about 9 months time.”
The lady asks, “Am I pregnant?” To which the Doctor replied, “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”
A "type person" is addicted to eating sugar.
When the doctor saw this, he said,
"From Type 2 Diabetes!"
Get it?
A common question I get as a doctor is, do vaccines cause autism? Well!, I was vaccinated, so.....
What does a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?
They can both smell it, but they can’t eat it.
Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn't "peeling" well!
I've recently been treated with Asthma and have been prescribed penicillin. One day I was taking it and a man screaming "SUIII" came into the room and stole it! He thought the penicillin would give him penalties. I couldn't breathe, shame on you Penaldo for ruining my life!
What is long, brown, and cures depression?
A noose.
"hvhuhdsjcjdsijdskdsivhdsvhsjdvnsjdvdshvgdshgsdhfgh" That's what my friend said when he gave an EpiPen. I don't know why, though.
I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.
What do hospitals do when they receive donor organs? They organize them.
What's the difference between sex and rape? Some effective drugs.