There are painkillers, but they only relieve physical pain. I wish something could relieve my internal pain.
Erectile dysfunction.
What is a similarity between priests and doctors?
They both have fetishes for their professions.
My wife is pregnant with a 3-year-old, so I gave her medicine, but now she’s pregnant with a 5-year-old.
What's the best thing about stage 4 cancer?
There's no stage 5.
A man walks into a pharmacy and buys multiple containers of Tylenol, and the clerk asks why he's buying all of these. He replies with, "I'm playing 1 pill eat 100."
I overdosed on Viagra yesterday.
It was the hardest day of my life.
Why do-- wait, what am I saying? What am I talking about?
Doctor: "What's your zodiac sign?"
Patient: "Cancer?"
Doctor: "What a coincidence."
What do we want? A cure for obesity.
When do we want it? After lunch.
I tell my therapist I’m scared of the 3rd, 9th, and 15th letter of the alphabet.
Doctor: Oh, I see.
Me: Ahhhh!!!!!
What do you call a doctor that's a skeleton?
Doctor Bones.
To whoever stole my antidepressants, why do you need them?
A man is talking to his doctor after undergoing a whole range of tests to try and find out what’s wrong with him.
The doctor sits him down and says, “I’m so sorry to have to tell you this, but the results are back, and I’m afraid it’s fatal.”
“Oh no!” exclaims the man, “How long do I have?”
“Ten,” says the doctor.
“What, years? Months?!”
“Nine...”
If you donate one kidney, everybody loves you, and you’re a total hero. But donate five, and suddenly everyone is yelling. Geez!
ADHD stands for Attention Deficit Hey Donut.
Bobby had 54 dicks (54).
He took 33 pills a month (5433).
Once he ran out of pills, he was left with 45 dicks (543345).
(Flip the calculator once you got the full number. 543345! He's got a lot!
What's the similarities between dark humor and cancer?
It's funnier when kids get it.
You know what I like most about people with Parkinson's... Their handshake!
"Hi, this is Pete's pizzeria and abortion clinic, where yesterday's loss is today's sauce."
