I tell my therapist I’m scared of the 3rd, 9th, and 15th letter of the alphabet.
Doctor: Oh, I see.
Me: Ahhhh!!!!!
To whoever stole my antidepressants, why do you need them?
A man is talking to his doctor after undergoing a whole range of tests to try and find out what’s wrong with him.
The doctor sits him down and says, “I’m so sorry to have to tell you this, but the results are back, and I’m afraid it’s fatal.”
“Oh no!” exclaims the man, “How long do I have?”
“Ten,” says the doctor.
“What, years? Months?!”
“Nine...”
If you donate one kidney, everybody loves you, and you’re a total hero. But donate five, and suddenly everyone is yelling. Geez!
ADHD stands for Attention Deficit Hey Donut.
Bobby had 54 dicks (54).
He took 33 pills a month (5433).
Once he ran out of pills, he was left with 45 dicks (543345).
(Flip the calculator once you got the full number. 543345! He's got a lot!
What's the similarities between dark humor and cancer?
It's funnier when kids get it.
You know what I like most about people with Parkinson's... Their handshake!
doctor: you need to eat healthy.
me: no.
doctor: the last patient who didn't change their diet after I suggested it died.
me: oh my goodness.
doctor: in a plane crash.
me: that sounds unrelated.
doctor: I'm the one that crashed it. Do not disobey me!
What's an asthma patient’s least favorite vegetable?
An arti-“choke”!
What's green and has a thousand nipples?
A garbage bag in the alley behind a breast cancer clinic.
Q: What do you do when an epileptic has a seizure in the bathtub?
A: Throw in some laundry.
Man with cancer: How much time do I have left?
Doctor: Ten.
Man: Weeks? Months? Days?
Doctor: Nine, eight, seven...
*having sex on lexapro*
Her: Cum for me, baby!
Me: I'm trying!
Abortions = yeetis of the fetus.
Why can't Oregon go to the doctor
Because parents signature
What has hands but can’t clap?
A thalidomide baby.
Why are cancer kids so fly?
Because they got the drip.
My fat friend went to the doctor because he wanted to know his blood type. After performing some tests, the doctor said, "Well, the test results have shown that your blood type is ragu."
Why did the skeleton die from laughter?
'Cause they broke all his "funny bones!"
