Medicine jokes
When you have to get your prostate checked and you can feel the cold rubber of the glove, but you realize both the doctor's hands are on your shoulders.
When does a doctor get mad?
When he runs out of patients!
Q: Why did the fly go to the hospital?
A: For the doctor to make it get "butter!"
Sarcastic Doctor: Tell me.
Guy: I have leukemia in the brain.
Sarcastic Doctor: That doesn't concern me.
Doctor, Doctor, I discovered one of the base pairs in my genetic code is erroneously a stop codon?
Nonsense! That shouldn't be happening!
A "type person" is addicted to eating sugar.
When the doctor saw this, he said,
"From Type 2 Diabetes!"
Get it?
How much did the liver weigh?
It weighed a skeleTON.
What part in the body does an adult not need but actually needs to live?
A KIDNey!
How do you make epileptic kids dance?
Throw a flash bang in their room.
What do you call a modern-day plague doctor? A COVID doctor.
What is long, brown, and cures depression?
A noose.
Mom: Wake up!
Me: No, I'm too disappointed and I have a headache...
Mom: Why are you disappointed?
Me: I took 12 random pills and I still woke up...
How do people with hydrocephalus wear standard-size helmets?
What's the difference between sleeping pills and my beating my meat?
Sleeping pills actually come with a prescription.
A man once went to a doctor because his leg was turning blue.
The doctor said that his leg had to be amputated as it was getting poisonous.
The man then got plastic prosthetics.
Next day even the prosthetics started turning blue.
After much examination, the doctor found that the patient's pants were shedding color.
What is a neonatal's first time in the world?
What do you call a bloody pig?
HAMorrhage!
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste!
So, I was sitting with my little brother and talking about our dreams. "What do you wanna be when you grow up?" I asked him. He answered, "A doctor!" I wanted to tease him so I said, "I wouldn't be treated by a doctor like you." I was hoping he would get mad or something, but instead, he calmly replied, "Brother, I said doctor. Not a vet."
A women's knitters group is having a meeting, and they are all pregnant. They all talk about their pregnancies.
One woman says, "I'm taking vitamin C so my baby has a healthy immune system."
Another knitter says, "I'm taking folic acid to help my baby's brain."
Finally, one woman says, "I'm taking Thalidomide!"
All the women turn to her and say, "Thalidomide! Don't you know your baby could be born without arms?"
The woman shrugs her shoulders and says, "I don't know how to knit arms."