Medical jokes
DARK ALERT********
A girl went to the doctor. The doctor said she had one year to live. She shot the doctor, and the judge gave her 15 years.
DARK ALERT********
I wonder if Stephen Hawking was an organ donor because I need new parts for my go-kart.
My back is straighter than I am, and I literally have scoliosis.
My 1 year old nephew had a stroke. I know, sounds bad... but he would have needed to learn how to speak and walk anyways.
What type of doctor is Doctor Pepper?
A fizzician.
What do you call the American healthcare plan for poor people?
Death.
I went to see my doctor today and I asked him how come every time I have sex my eyes hurt.
He said that’s a common reaction to pepper spray.
Why can't people in Africa have medicine?
Because you cannot have pills on an empty stomach.
Q: Why are medication pills white?
A: Because they work.
Do you know how diarrhea is common in families? Because it runs in your genes.
Every time I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.
There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, so I unplug them.
Me: DOCTOR! DOCTOR! I HAVE 50 SECONDS TO LIVE!
Doctor: Sit down for a minute.
What time is it when a nurse's here?
It's nurse-thirty.
A priest is struck by lightning and lays hurt on the ground.
When medical crew arrives he denies them, saying, "God will surely save me!"
The medical team tries to help him, but he keeps struggling and eventually dies.
Later in the afterlife, he screams at God, saying, "Why didn't you save me? Am I not dear to you?"
God answered, "B****, I sent you a f***ing ambulance and you denied it!"
My doctor told me it was perfectly normal to become aroused or even ejaculate during a prostate exam.
That being said I wish he hadn't!
I went to the doctor's yesterday. I said, "When I touch my back, it hurts. When I touch my knee, it hurts. When I touch anything, it hurts!" 😣 What’s wrong with me?
Doctor: You’ve broken your finger.
Kid: I have the corona virus!
Nurse: Here is an ice pack.
What did the grandma say at the hospital when you pulled the tube?...................
I went to the doctor because I had a steering wheel in my pants, and it was driving me nuts.
My doctor called me a "psychopath." How dare he?!? He'll pay for this!