ME jokes

My mom wanted me to build her a shed for her useless things, then she told me to go live in it.

So, there was this girl on the street that had no arms or legs, that said "Hey sir, I've never been fucked before, will you do the honors and fuck me?" So, I threw her in the ocean and said "Well, your fucked now."

Me: Stepping on a scale to weigh myself.

Everyone else in the minefield...

I want to date depression cuz at least I know they won't leave me.

I ate the Emo Emo no Mi from One Piece. It gave me the powers of black hair, depression, and suicidal thoughts.

Friend: Stop with the self harm jokes, they're not funny.

Me: It's not that deep. I'll cut it out.

Women treat me like a god.

They ignore me till they need something.

I have been thinking about suicide lately. I mean, hey, my mom tells me I can do anything I put my mind to.

My friend was feeling low today, so I went up to her and said, "You know, I would hang in there if I was you, swaying through life." I don't think she likes me now.

I tried to high five a tree, but it just left me hanging.

Teacher: If you keep talking over me, I'll call your parents!

Orphan: You will?

bully: "Your life's a joke."

me: "My life's not a joke, jokes have meaning."

I was watching my son play at the park, and a lady asked me, "Which one is yours?" And for fun, I said, "I don't know, I'm still choosing."

I parked in a disabled space today...

...and a traffic warden shouted to me, “Oi, what's your disability?” I said “Tourettes! Now fuck off!”

My sister is pregnant, I'm gonna be a dad.

Yeah, you can call me daddy, son.

There was this girl on the street that had no arms and no legs. She looked at me and said, “Hey sir, I’ve never been fucked before, will you fuck me?” So I threw her in the ocean and said, “Well, you’re fucked now.”

My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

My grandma asked me if I could visit her.

I told her no, I don’t like graveyards.

This girl came to me and said, "I got raped in my sleep!"

I replied, "I done it as a joke."

-April 1, 2020

I was talking to my Welsh friend the other day, and he suddenly started talking Welsh to me then collapsed after the first few sentences. Turns out he had a stroke.