ME jokes

So, there was this girl on the street that had no arms or legs, that said "Hey sir, I've never been fucked before, will you do the honors and fuck me?" So, I threw her in the ocean and said "Well, your fucked now."

Teacher: If you keep talking over me, I'll call your parents!

Orphan: You will?

I was watching my son play at the park, and a lady asked me, "Which one is yours?" And for fun, I said, "I don't know, I'm still choosing."

There was this girl on the street that had no arms and no legs. She looked at me and said, “Hey sir, I’ve never been fucked before, will you fuck me?” So I threw her in the ocean and said, “Well, you’re fucked now.”

My grandma asked me if I could visit her.

I told her no, I don’t like graveyards.

Don't do suicide shit. Nearly killed me, tbh. 🙏🙏🙏🙏

I just went on a date with a woman in a wheelchair.

I stood her up, which made her fall for me. At first it was a drag, but now we’re rolling.

My grandpa told me I was too dependent on devices. I told him he was a hypocrite and unplugged him from his life support.

Friends: "You wanna hang with us?"

Me: "No, I wanna hang myself."

You learn from the best.

Me: I look up to you.

Friend: Wow, thanks!

Me: But in general cuz your so tall.

I just wanted to say to never let go of family; they are everything. Never let anyone walk all over you. And if you are with me, like this quote.

My sister is pregnant, I'm gonna be a dad.

Yeah, you can call me daddy, son.

My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

Job Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in the next five years?

Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.

I was talking to my Welsh friend the other day, and he suddenly started talking Welsh to me then collapsed after the first few sentences. Turns out he had a stroke.

I’m so annoyed by those people who just believe in anything they hear. This is a conversation I had a few days ago.

Idiot: "The moon landing was faked! So unbelievably fake!" Me: "You believe in the moon? Stupidass."

My cock was in the book of world records...

The librarian told me to take it out.

What's an orphan's favorite Roblox game?

Adopt Me.

Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day. Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?”

Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.

“Jesus Christ almighty!” shouts Molly.

“Correct,” says the teacher.

The next day the teacher asks, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?”

Molly is again asleep and is poked by Jack’s pencil.

“Jesus Christ almighty!” she shouts.

“Correct again,” says the teacher.

The next day, for a 3rd time, Molly is asleep.

This time the teacher asks her, “What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?”

Jack pokes Molly with the pencil again, and this time Molly screams “If you stick that thing in me one more time I’m going to crack it in half!”