ME jokes

I just wanted to say to never let go of family; they are everything. Never let anyone walk all over you. And if you are with me, like this quote.

My sister is pregnant, I'm gonna be a dad.

Yeah, you can call me daddy, son.

My grandpa told me I was too dependent on devices. I told him he was a hypocrite and unplugged him from his life support.

Women treat me like a god.

They ignore me till they need something.

After a suicide joke say, "Don't leave me hanging, or I'll cut it out."

Don't do suicide shit. Nearly killed me, tbh. 🙏🙏🙏🙏

Someone said to stop hurting myself, but I'm still trying to cut my arms off.

Friends: "You wanna hang with us?"

Me: "No, I wanna hang myself."

You learn from the best.

Friend: "UR LIT BRO!!"

Me: "That's what my sleeve said to my arm."

I just went on a date with a woman in a wheelchair.

I stood her up, which made her fall for me. At first it was a drag, but now we’re rolling.

There was a girl I used to date, only to find out that she used to be a man. You could say, she put me in a trans.

My mom asks, "How did you do this?" Me: "Naw, I did it with a fork. WHAT D'YA THINK?-"

An orphan was running down the road. A car pulled up and said, "Get in." So the orphan got in and said, "Where are we going?" The kidnapper said, "I'm taking you to my house." The orphan replied, "OML, ARE YOU ADOPTING ME!?"

I ate the Emo Emo no Mi from One Piece. It gave me the powers of black hair, depression, and suicidal thoughts.

I have been thinking about suicide lately. I mean, hey, my mom tells me I can do anything I put my mind to.

My wife cheated on me with my brother.

She didn't have a sister, so I improvised, and now all I have to do is wait nine months for one to come.

Friend: Stop with the self harm jokes, they're not funny.

Me: It's not that deep. I'll cut it out.

Guys, this is so wrong. I'm an orphan and this extremely offends me. I'm telling my parents, um.......

I tried to high five a tree, but it just left me hanging.

I'm still not sure how I'm not in jail or have been fined for littering. When I was born, I was born in a hospital trash can, therefore making me a literal piece of trash. That being said, any time I'm out in public, I'm a piece of litter.