ME jokes

What does the penis say to the condom? "Cover me I'm going inside."

I have the best life coach ever, because he taught me to not care. He did it so well that he died last week, and I still don’t care.

There were three people on the third floor of a building. The first one took a bite of an apple, then said it was too hard, so he threw it out the window. The second person took a bite of a lemon. He said it was too sour, so he threw it out the window. The third guy was drunk. He took a bite of a grenade and thought it was too crunchy, so he threw it out the window.

Then one of them went downstairs. He saw a dog laying on the ground dead. The apple had hit the dog in the head. Then there was a little girl crying with her cat in her lap. It had died because the lemon fell out the window and hit it in the head. Next, there was an old guy laughing. I asked him why he was laughing. He said, "I farted and the building behind me blew up."

Teacher: What's your favorite animal?

Me: Desert Eagle.

Teacher: Why?

Me: 'Cause it fits in my backpack.

Leave a like if you like sex and porn, and talk to me if you have any questions.

Guys, this is so wrong. I'm an orphan and this extremely offends me. I'm telling my parents, um.......

Me: I look up to you.

Friend: Wow, thanks!

Me: But in general cuz your so tall.

I just wanted to say to never let go of family; they are everything. Never let anyone walk all over you. And if you are with me, like this quote.

An orphan was running down the road. A car pulled up and said, "Get in." So the orphan got in and said, "Where are we going?" The kidnapper said, "I'm taking you to my house." The orphan replied, "OML, ARE YOU ADOPTING ME!?"

Someone said to stop hurting myself, but I'm still trying to cut my arms off.

White girl: So this crystal cures my depression and helps me lose weight?

Me holding a rock of meth: YES!!!

Friends: "You wanna hang with us?"

Me: "No, I wanna hang myself."

You learn from the best.

My grandpa told me I was too dependent on devices. I told him he was a hypocrite and unplugged him from his life support.

I just went on a date with a woman in a wheelchair.

I stood her up, which made her fall for me. At first it was a drag, but now we’re rolling.

My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

Don't do suicide shit. Nearly killed me, tbh. 🙏🙏🙏🙏

My mom asks, "How did you do this?" Me: "Naw, I did it with a fork. WHAT D'YA THINK?-"

I took an hour-long shower. The German officers were looking at me kinda scared.

My wife cheated on me with my brother.

She didn't have a sister, so I improvised, and now all I have to do is wait nine months for one to come.

After a suicide joke say, "Don't leave me hanging, or I'll cut it out."