ME jokes

Depression

    • For me, the best part of depression is remaining charming around strangers but saving the misery for the ones who love you.

    Kill

    • My friend: Hey, I got 15 kills!

    Me: I got 60 kills!

    My friend: I didn't know you played Call of Duty!

    Me: What's Call of Duty?

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    • House

    • So I went to my friend's house and he told me to make myself at home, so I kicked him out. I don't like visitors.

    Dog

    • I found a dog outside a store, so I took him home with me.

    The dog was standing outside a blind supplies store.

    ME memes

    Child

    • My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.

    If anybody does, please just send me your contact details, and we can drop them off tomorrow.

    Suicide

    • Everyone: "Wow, you're so nice and perfect! Your life must be great!"

    *Reality of having depression* Me: "Oh yeah, I guess. 😀"

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    • Shooter

    • So, as a school shooter, I try to remember my ABC's. A, B, C, D, E, F, GUN!

    And I basically stop at G, since no students ever speak to me about the rest.

    Doctor

    • The patient says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say."

    The doctor says, "Next, please."

    Condom

    • True story: In 1986, in the midst of the HIV epidemic, they made condoms available to the public. At that time, me and my boyfriend were 13 years old. My boyfriend was so happy: "These will make great water balloons!" And I was even happier. I did not have to pack a lunch for school tomorrow, lol.

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    • Vegetable

    • Today I went to get a sub, and they asked me if I wanted all vegetables. I said no, leave some for the rest of the customers.

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    • Shorty

    • Oooh, I fall apart. Oooh, yeah, mmhmm. She told me that I'm not enough, yeah, And she left me with a broken heart, yeah. She fooled me twice and it's all my fault, yeah. She cut too deep, now she left me scarred, yeah. Now there's too many thoughts goin' through my brain, yeah, And now I'm takin' these shots like it's Novocaine, yeah. Oooh, I fall apart Down to my core Oooh, I fall apart Down to my core Oooh, didn't know it before Surprised when you caught me off guard All this damn jewelry I bought You was my shorty, I thought Never caught a feelin' this hard Harder than the liquor I pour Tell me you don't want me no more But I can't let go Everybody told me so Feelin' like I sold my soul Devil in the form of a whore Devil in the form of a whore You said it No, you said it No, you said it We'd be together Oooh, I fall apart Down to my core Oooh, I fall apart Down to my core Oooh, didn't know it before Surprised when you caught me off guard All this damn jewelry I bought You was my shorty, I thought Ice keep pourin' and the drink keep flowin' Try to brush it off but it keep on goin' Covered in scars and I can't help showin' Whippin' in the foreign and the tears keep blowin' Ice keep droppin' and the drink keep flowin' Try to brush it off but it keep on goin' All these scars, can't help from showin' Whippin' in the foreign and the tears keep blowin', yeah Oooh, I fall apart Down to my core Oooh, I fall apart Down to my core Oooh, didn't know it before Surprised when you caught me off guard All this damn jewelry I bought You was my shorty, I thought.

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    • Girl

    • I met a lovely girl at a friend's house party, so I went and introduced myself by saying I'm Noah, what's yours?

    She turned around angrily and offended and said, "I identify as a hockey puck, didn't you see the sign?"

    To which I replied, "Bitch, that says hickey puck. If you identify as a hockey puck, then let me hit you!"

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