ME jokes

I was playing a tennis match against a girl and said, "I will fuck you up." She said, "Try me." So that's exactly what I did, and I won by forfeit as she ended up running away crying.

Teacher: What's your favorite animal?

Me: Desert Eagle.

Teacher: Why?

Me: 'Cause it fits in my backpack.

Someone said to stop hurting myself, but I'm still trying to cut my arms off.

White girl: So this crystal cures my depression and helps me lose weight?

Me holding a rock of meth: YES!!!

My mom asks, "How did you do this?" Me: "Naw, I did it with a fork. WHAT D'YA THINK?-"

An orphan was running down the road. A car pulled up and said, "Get in." So the orphan got in and said, "Where are we going?" The kidnapper said, "I'm taking you to my house." The orphan replied, "OML, ARE YOU ADOPTING ME!?"

I took an hour-long shower. The German officers were looking at me kinda scared.

My wife cheated on me with my brother.

She didn't have a sister, so I improvised, and now all I have to do is wait nine months for one to come.

I tried to high five a tree, but it just left me hanging.

Me: Wanna hear a joke about my chin?

Friend: Nah, dude. It'll be too long.

After a suicide joke say, "Don't leave me hanging, or I'll cut it out."

Friend: Stop with the self harm jokes, they're not funny.

Me: It's not that deep. I'll cut it out.

I have been thinking about suicide lately. I mean, hey, my mom tells me I can do anything I put my mind to.

Women treat me like a god.

They ignore me till they need something.

My friend was feeling low today, so I went up to her and said, "You know, I would hang in there if I was you, swaying through life." I don't think she likes me now.

I ate the Emo Emo no Mi from One Piece. It gave me the powers of black hair, depression, and suicidal thoughts.

bully: "Your life's a joke."

me: "My life's not a joke, jokes have meaning."

My mom wanted me to build her a shed for her useless things, then she told me to go live in it.

I want to date depression cuz at least I know they won't leave me.

Me: Stepping on a scale to weigh myself.

Everyone else in the minefield...